IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many working people get very little or no exercise causing health problems. what are the causes and what is the solution to this problem.

#people #exercise #health
There is a tendency of
sedentry
Correct your spelling
sedentary
 lifestyle among the people who are employed, which is causing serious medical issues including obesity and diabetes.
This
 behaviour of avoiding exercise is
atrributed
Correct your spelling
attributed
 by most individuals to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
time
 and
busy
Correct article usage
a busy
show examples
 routine which can be sorted out by relaxing working
hours
 and having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mandatory physical training at
work places
Correct your spelling
workplaces
show examples
. With the rising inflation, the masses are forced to
work
 for longer
hours
 to earn money.Some people do more than one job to
cater for
Verb problem
cover
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 expenses.They leave early in the morning and come back home late in the evening.I know one of my
cousin
Fix the agreement mistake
cousins
show examples
 who is a teacher at primary school.After
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 he works as an
assisstant
Correct your spelling
assistant
 manager in the evening
hours
 at a local company.He has been
following
this
 routine for five years which has caused him to become overweight and develop joint problems.
In addition
, lack of motivation is another factor that prevents the populace from adopting a healthy lifestyle.My sister after coming back from duty in a hospital is always feeling lethargic and goes to bed immediately. There are a number of ways to deal with
this
 menace of
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle.First of all, the governments should enforce the working
hours
 for every sector.
Moreover
, the
comapnies
Correct your spelling
companies
 and factories should relax the
work
 routine for employees.Many departments have started implementation of
such
 policies.
For instance
, the executive of
Correct article usage
a suzuki
show examples
suzuki
Change the capitalization
Suzuki
show examples
 workshop in our country ordered employees to stop taking the cars for service after 1500hrs, so that staff could leave for their homes on
time
.
Secondly
, the compulsory games period in the institutions can improve the
overall
 health of citizens.In military set up
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 example, there is a specified
time
 allocated for the physical activity in which everyone has to
participte
Correct your spelling
participate
.
This
 model can be adopted by other organizations.
Furthermore
, there should be more gyms at the place of duty.It will
also
 encourage the employees to be more active.
Finally
, the problem of
casual
Add an article
a casual
show examples
 attitude towards health can be overcome by regular counselling of
work force
Correct your spelling
workforce
show examples
 by the psychologist. In a nutshell, the
dialemma
Correct your spelling
dilemma
 of a monotonous job routine
due to
 overstressed and overburdened individuals in a society can be managed by giving them proper
time
 and place for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthful activities.
Submitted by alishah2294 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Grammar
Ensure consistent use of tenses throughout the essay. This will improve the clarity and professionalism of your writing.
Style
Consider varying your sentence structure to include more complex and compound sentences. This variety can make your writing more engaging and sophisticated.
Spelling
Pay attention to spelling, including the correct forms of words such as 'sedentary' instead of 'sedentry,' and proper nouns, to maintain a high level of professionalism in your writing.
Coherence and Cohesion
To further enhance coherence, try using a wider range of linking words and phrases. This can help to more clearly connect your ideas and improve the flow of your essay.
Content
You provided specific examples to support your points, which strengthens your arguments and makes your essay more engaging.
Task Achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the causes and solutions of the issue, showing a comprehensive understanding of the task requirement.
Structure
The introduction and conclusion are clear and present, effectively framing your essay and summarizing your main points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: