At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
It is generally believed that the population of several nations consists of
less
older people, compared to the number of young adults. There are benefits and drawbacks Correct quantifier usage
fewer
of
Change preposition
to
this
situation, but I believe the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
On one
hand, youngsters would provide some benefits, some of the characteristics of them are Correct article usage
the one
have
lots of energy andWrong verb form
having
a
great learner. They could do work that Add a missing verb
being a
require
muscle and Change the verb form
requires
generally
cheaper than adults. Add a missing verb
is generally
Such
as glass making, carpentry, or labor
. Change the spelling
labour
Moreover
, they are still in the golden age of learning, which enable
them to keep Correct subject-verb agreement
enables
update
Wrong verb form
updated
to
the technology update and optimize their work, Change preposition
on
therefore
boost
their productivity. Wrong verb form
boosting
For
instance
programmers can utilize artificial intelligence or create automations to ease up their job. These reasons would empower the local economic growth.
Add a comma
instance,
On the other hand
, the lack of elderly would have drawbacks. The elderly tend to have more wisdom and experience. They can provide guidance or mentorship to the youth. Often times
, the guidance Correct your spelling
Oftentimes
are
really helpful and applicable, because they have Change the verb form
is
experience
it before. Change the verb form
experienced
Also
Add a comma
Also,
this
can prevent mistakes by the youth. In my experience, frequently the elders are more stable financially and provide employment. Because of the shortage of elders, it’s really possible to affect the numbers of employment.
In conclusion, the shortage of older individuals, compared with the number of young individuals have
some advantages and disadvantages. Correct subject-verb agreement
has
However
, I believe that young individuals have a lots
of energy and learning capacity that enables them to adapt to the situation. Correct the article-noun agreement
a lot
lots
While
the
employment may decrease, they can create Correct article usage
apply
work
industry and seek Correct article usage
a work
for
investment from the seniors. Change preposition
apply
Therefore
, I think the advantages of this
situation outweigh the disadvantages.Submitted by ridhokholis9a on
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Coherence and Cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures further to enhance the readability of your essay.
Task Achievement
Expand on your examples by providing clearer, more specific details to strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on integrating your introduction and conclusion more seamlessly with the body paragraphs, ensuring they all contribute clearly to your overall argument.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively bookend your discussion, clearly stating your opinion.
Task Achievement
You made a solid effort to include relevant examples to back up your points, a key component of a strong essay.
Logical Structure
The structure of your essay logically flows from one point to the next, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
Complete Response
You effectively highlighted the advantages and disadvantages, presenting a balanced view before stating your own stance.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
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