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Writing Samples /
Band 5

📝 TASK 2: More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that the price increase of fattening foods will solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #price #foods
Sharply increased overweight
had
Wrong verb form
has
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 fueled debates
between
Change preposition
in
show examples
 society.Some
people
 assume that raising
prices
Correct article usage
the prices
show examples
 of food would help to reduce that solution .   
To begin
 with , increasing the price of products and fattening cooking could be a reasonable way for individuals to
purchasing
Wrong verb form
purchase
show examples
 a product and
as a result
,
this
 can reduce consumption of unhealthy foods.
This
 means that it could
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
contribute to weight management and improve the quality of human health.The most effective method of reducing consumption is the education campaigns and fitness programs which can help
people
 their overweight,and
also
 some diets.As a matter of fact,
people
 have to learn more information and knowledge about feeding to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy meals, which are high in fat.     
On the other hand
,there are some instances that some
people
 in
this
 contemporary society don't value a home-cooked meal.The reason for
this
 is most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 do not have
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 time or energy to cook at home by themselves and
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
way
Add a comma
way,
show examples
 they prefer to grab meals from outside.
However
,that can lead to health issues ,
such
 as obesity.Fast snacks and other fast foods can be convenient,but they
are
Change the verb form
also have
show examples
also
 have high calories,fats and a lot of added sugar in them. In conclusion, even if fast food is a very fast source of a meal to consume, it has
lot's
Change noun form
lots
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 of drawbacks that lead to health issues, so
it's
Unnecessary verb
it
show examples
 would be better to make
people
 eat less of them and propagate
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 fitness programs and share the information about the food
people
 choose to consume.
Submitted by iqazago on

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Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear overall argument, but the ideas could be more fully developed and supported with stronger evidence or examples. To improve, consider expanding on your main points with more detailed explanations and including specific examples or data to support your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay, focus on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs and ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
Structure
You did well in introducing the topic and providing a conclusion that summarises your main points. This structure is important for guiding the reader through your discussion.
Task Response
Your essay acknowledges multiple perspectives on the issue, which demonstrates your ability to consider different viewpoints. This adds depth to your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
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