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Band 5.5

To what extent do you agree and/or disagree? Some people think that the only purpose of working hard is to earn money.

#people #purpose #money
It is thought by some that the aim of working among individuals is solely for financial
rewarding
Replace the word
reward
show examples
.
Although
 I accept that some employees take extra hours in
work
 only to obtain more
money
,I believe that the purpose of
this
 tendency among people is to lay the groundwork for their future and escape
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
 long-term dependency. On the one hand,as some,especially those who have
limited
Correct article usage
a limited
show examples
 budget cannot make a living or cannot afford to pay for basic necessities,the main desire among them can be to obtain more salary.
For example
,there are many people who have many responsibilities
such
 as raising their children or supporting their families do not have enough
money
 to pay for their minors' education or other necessities and
consequently
,they can devote their time to
work
 solely to gain more
money
.
On the other hand
,I consider that the primary aim of taking additional hours in
work
 is that they can want to build their lives and contemplate
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their future.They dedicate themselves to their
work
 as much as they can and want to gain more experience
as well as
becoming
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 knowledgeable in their occupations.These valuable experiences can help
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them run their own business and escape from long-term dependency,which
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 a sense of
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
 among them.
For example
, in many developing countries , employees procure low
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
 and by working hard,they want to get experience
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
these experiences can lead to better opportunities for them and
as a consequence
,they can live autonomously without relying on salary. Taking everything into account,
while
 those who have
limited
Correct article usage
a limited
show examples
 budget can have a desire for solely gaining
money
by
Rephrase
solely by
show examples
 working more than normal,I believe that the main aim among them can be to escape from dependency and have a better lifestyle.
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Coherence & Cohesion
A great essay with a clear structure, ensuring the reader can follow your argument throughout. A minor suggestion would be to further develop your examples to more explicitly connect with your main points, enhancing the persuasiveness of your argument.
Task Achievement
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame your essay, presenting a concise summary of your argument and neatly wrapping up your discussion. Consider integrating a wider range of specific examples to strengthen your argument.
General
To improve, consider varying your sentence structures more to enhance readability and maintain the reader’s interest. Also, paying attention to smaller grammatical and spelling errors would polish your essay further.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've shown a strong ability to develop a coherent argument, linking ideas logically throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
The main points in your essay are supported and clear, making your stance understandable and persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • intrinsic rewards
  • personal fulfillment
  • sense of purpose
  • contributing to society
  • practical aspect
  • personal growth
  • skills development
  • workaholism
  • work-life balance
  • innovation
  • financial gain
  • significantly
  • self-improvement
  • motivator
What to do next:
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