IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many retired people today are choosing to live in other countries. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

#people #countries
In contemporary times, a myriad of elderly
people
 are emigrating to other
countries
. In my opinion, it has certain drawbacks.
This
 essay will examine the advantages and disadvantages of going abroad chosen by retired
people
 and provide a logical conclusion.
To begin
, emigrating to other
countries
 for retired
people
 has a remarkable effect on their
life
 quality and healthcare.
Firstly
, elderly
people
 need to rest their body since they
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 already sacrificed themself to earn money.
Furthermore
, moving abroad which
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 available to feel
relax
Wrong verb form
relaxed
show examples
 might contribute
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
 mindsets.
This
 way, they are able to proceed their with
life
 without hesitations and depression.
Secondly
, it is obvious that
people
 who are over 60 age may require
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
special treatment.
In other words
, were they chosen a place providing a well-equipped hospital system,
eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
 individuals would stay healthy.
For instance
, in Denmark
life
 expectancy for a group, including retired persons, is almost 78 age.
However
, staying away from hometown has some major disadvantages,
such
 as cultural shock, and language barrier.
Initially
, old individuals might be sensible about conventional things in case of some situations.
That is
 to say, it is possible that when they inhabit
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
other country
Change the wording
another country
other countries
show examples
, they
would be
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 encounter traditional differences.
For example
, one research conducted by Leiden University has already proven that plenty of
eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
older
 persons living in other
countries
 are deciding to come back to their hometown
due to
 cultural shock.
On the other hand
,
people
 want to share their troubles with others in order to find a solution, yet because of the language issue,
eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
people
 are unlikely to share their ideas.
Thus
,
Correct article usage
the
show examples
mental circumstances of
people
 may be affected by it.
However
,
considered
Wrong verb form
considering
show examples
 whole negative impact on retired individuals, staying in their habitat would be the best choice for them.
Consequently
,
although
 emigrating to other
countries
 to continue
life
 has certain positive impacts,
such
 as facilities, and relaxation. It has an extremely negative impact on elderly
people
's moods and customs.
Submitted by samedsaysg on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
To strengthen your logical structure, try to ensure a smooth transition between your paragraphs. Using linking phrases like 'Moreover', 'In addition', or 'On the other hand' could enhance the flow of your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
In your introduction and conclusion, aim to clearly paraphrase the task and succinctly summarize your main points. This strengthens the reader's overall understanding and retainment of your arguments.
Task Achievement
When providing examples, ensure they are directly linked to the arguments you're making. This boosts the support for your main points and demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
Try to avoid general and unsupported claims. Instead, back up your points with specific examples or facts, which will greatly improve the persuasiveness and credibility of your essay.
Task Achievement
You effectively discussed both advantages and disadvantages of the topic, providing a balanced view.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay introduces and concludes the discussion well, clearly stating your opinion and summarizing the main points discussed.
Coherence & Cohesion
You used a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary, which enriches the quality of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: