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Band 5.5

In some culture, children are being told that they can achieve anything if they work hard.What are advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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People in diverse countries say to
the
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minors that if are hardworking they will achieve whatever they want. Meanwhile, there are some benefits in
this
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such
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 as higher self-confidence and
independancy
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independence
independency
 along
wiht
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with
 several drawbacks like lack of
being
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oversight in some occasions which can lead to
hazardous
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a hazardous
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situation
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situations
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. It is widely acknowledged by
general
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the general
a general
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 opinion that
youngesters
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youngsters
 need to be assertive and work hard in their childhood in order to get used to that for their future. In
this
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 regard, they can benefit from its positive outcomes
such
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 as boosting their self-confidence in their adulthood because they are probably one of the successful ones.
Moreover
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, it
teachs
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teaches
 youth that they should not rely on anyone else in their lives and rather
to
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be on their own. By way of illustration, many successful celebrities nowadays
had
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have
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 a very difficult childhood when they talk about their biography. All in all, even though it may be hard at the moment
but
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it will impact the future in a positive way. Though encouraging minors to be serious and make a lot of effort can lead to numerous achievements, There are some negative consequences
derive
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derived
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 from spending too much time on their tasks
such
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 as studying a lot and learning new skills which will affect them mentally in their adulthood as psychologists state.
For instance
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, some people are isolated and when
take
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they get
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 consultations from the experts they point to their childhood which was filled with loads of tasks and not spending time with the
same age
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same-age
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 children to play with.
In addition
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, children are not fully aware of their talents when they are young and they try hard
on
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at
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 something which they
abondon
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abandon
it
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compeletely
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completely
 when they
grew
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grow
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 up.
Overall
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, these drawbacks need to be supervised cautiously by parents.
To sum up
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, It is worth mentioning that, the harder you try the better result you can obtain. But we have to bear in mind that it is not exactly the same for children and it has its own consequences which may adversely affect
the
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people in their adulthood.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Consider the structure of your sentences to improve clarity and coherence. Revise complex sentences for improved readability.
Task Achievement
Enhance your essay by integrating more specific examples or data to support your arguments.
Language Proficiency
Be mindful of verb tense consistency to maintain a clear and professional narrative style.
Task Achievement
You effectively addressed both sides of the argument, presenting advantages and disadvantages thoroughly.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion tied the essay together well, providing a solid structure to your argument.
Task Achievement
You showed a good ability to develop ideas, backing them up with general examples and reasoning.

Your opinion

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If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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