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Writing Samples
Band 5

[ ] An increasing number of people are choosing cosmetic surgery/ plastic surgery. Why do people have operations to change the way they look? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#people #surgery #plastic #operations #change #development
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Nowadays, the rise of plastic
surgery
Use synonyms
 is prominent in almost all countries and even those as young as teenagers
opted
Wrong verb form
opt
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 to change their natural facial features
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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 in
Add a hyphen
first-world
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first world
Add a hyphen
first-world
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
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country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
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 as long as they have the capacity to finance
this
Linking Words
 expensive procedure
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
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To begin
Linking Words
 with, those who have physical issues about what they look like mostly choose to do cosmetic
surgery
Use synonyms
 to build
self confidence
Add a hyphen
self-confidence
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 and
self esteem
Add a hyphen
self-esteem
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. Many
people
Use synonyms
 are often being bullied because of their appearances
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 is the reason why they resort to
surgery
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, those who have an imperfect set of teeth
such
Linking Words
 as overbite or underbite will go through the process of wearing braces and for some will do orthodontic
surgery
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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improve their views about themselves.
In addition
Linking Words
, there are those who only want to enhance their health status through plastic
surgery
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 individual did not have any alternative choice
unless
Correct word choice
but
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 to undergo the knife.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
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 who have breathing problems related to nasal will
ungerdo
Correct your spelling
undergo
underdo
 cosmetic
surgery
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thus
Linking Words
alleviate
Wrong verb form
alleviating
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 their suffering.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
societys
Correct your spelling
society's
society
norm
Fix the agreement mistake
norms
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,
people
Use synonyms
 tend to alter their physical appearance. There are
people
Use synonyms
 who easily get tempted to do so because of how they perceive
this
Linking Words
 as the latest trend and many are doing it. It becomes a normal operation.
Such
Linking Words
 as, in
korea
Change the capitalization
Korea
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, having a surgical for
double
Correct article usage
a double
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 eyelid has been a normal trend
in
Change preposition
apply
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them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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even
Linking Words
such
Change preposition
at such
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 a young age. In conclusion, I believe it depends on personal perspective about cosmetic
surgery
Use synonyms
. It can be
positive
Add an article
a positive
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 or negative impact. If it health
related
Correct your spelling
health-related
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 it would be beneficial to the person but if it is because
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the sake of trend and no financial capacity to sustain the
surgery
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 would become a burden.
Submitted by jevilla1188 on

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structure
Remember to focus on clear paragraphing with one main idea per paragraph to enhance readability.
linking words
Use a wider range of linking words to improve the flow and coherence of your essay.
grammar
Consider revising your essay for more accurate and varied sentence structures to avoid grammatical errors.
content
For task achievement, ensure to answer both parts of the question clearly and elaborate your points with more developed examples.
examples
You've made a good attempt to provide examples to support your ideas.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarises your view, showing your position clearly.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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