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Band 5.5

Some people think that all young people should be required to stay in full-time education until at least the age of 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #education #age
Youngsters should engage themselves in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
full-time
education
 until the high school curriculum is finished. From my perspective, it is a great tool for a student and a lot of benefits will help him in his future.
This
 essay will examine
further
 the advantages of
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
continuous
education
.
To begin
 with, students who wish to fulfil their dream
to become
Change preposition
of becoming
show examples
 a professional in any career
then
 they need to show their capabilities by passing exams with better grades.
This
 is only possible if they focus completely
upon
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their studies by pursuing
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 in a full-time manner.
For instance
, in a country like India, there are many entrance exams held to test the mental integrity
as well as
 capabilities of an individual to handle pressure by taking some of the toughest exams to get admission in the medical or
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
engineering schools.
This
 can only happen if a student
indulge
Change the verb form
indulges
show examples
 in a full-time study which will help him to become as resilient as their profession requires him to be.
Furthermore
, students must be disciplined to follow a certain schedule for their studies so that they become habitual to gain knowledge
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
. Gradually, they will start believing that
education
 is a lifelong journey. It has to be continued for the whole life to gain new skills and succeed in any career. To exemplify, the pupils who are disciplined during their school lives to gain knowledge
contionuously
Correct your spelling
continuously
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
ensure that they always take steps
further
 in their life to keep on gaining new skills and they easily learn them.
A foreign
Correct article usage
Foreign
show examples
 language learning could be a daunting task for someone who discontinues
education
however
 the one who keeps on upskilling himself can easily grasp any new language.
Thus
, a discipline to follow a routine is essential to carry on
education
 for the whole life. In conclusion,
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
 teaches people to become disciplined and trained professionals in their respective careers
while
 continuing it in a regular way and part-time
education
 fails to impart
such
 benefits for an individual.
Submitted by DIANA on

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Task Achievement
Your essay provides a clear position with relevant examples, which greatly supports your argument. To enhance your task achievement, ensure that each paragraph directly supports your opinion in a nuanced manner.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider varying your sentence structures and using a wider range of linking words. This will help the flow of ideas and make your arguments more compelling.
Examples
You made good use of relevant examples to support your points, particularly with the reference to entrance exams in India, which adds depth and clarity to your argument.
Structure
The essay structure is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This structure supports the coherence and cohesion of your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory education
  • Holistic development
  • Disengagement
  • Academically inclined
  • Aspirations
  • Vocational training
  • Apprenticeships
  • Practical skills
  • Exacerbate
  • Inequalities
  • Labor market
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