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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

These days we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television and this is having a negative impact on children's beahaviour.do you agree or disagree?

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Children’s acting nowadays is negatively influenced by TV programs with a lot of scenes connected with physical harm.
This
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 essay will agree with it
,
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 because the bullying players show seems interesting to act the same way and the aggressive thinking of youth gains popularity among them.
Firstly
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, kids usually find it funny to bully the weak ones as actors do
it
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on TV. Mostly, they think that being a bad boy or girl is cool and want to copy the moments from the plot. To illustrate, it is real, that characters do awkward things to bring the attention of the audience like laughing at somebody's legs and
then
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 hitting his legs and making him fall. Children find it hilarious
however
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, they forget to stop doing it in real life.
Secondly
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, the minds of youngsters are very flexible, and by watching
such
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 pieces fight their heads become full of toxic thoughts. It is important to mention, that babies totally repeat what they see.
For example
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, my niece used to watch action movies with her dad, and the only things that she discussed were blood, thieves and guns. I think, that soap operas, cartoons and shows with a drop of violence make children to be angry.
To conclude
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,
this
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 is a real-life example of how the content that kids observe every day affects their minds and behaviour aggressively and makes them involved in resembling their heroes.

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Task Achievement
Continue to develop your arguments with a range of examples and ensure clarity in explaining them.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to make your essay more cohesive by linking ideas more smoothly and using a wider range of cohesive devices.
Language
Work on varying your sentence structure and vocabulary to enhance the complexity of your writing.
Introduction
You've made a clear stance in the introduction, which set a strong foundation for your essay.
Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reaffirms your position.
Examples
The use of real-life examples adds credibility and interest to your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitizes
  • imitate
  • aggressive behaviors
  • fear and anxiety
  • overall mental health
  • social skills
  • increased aggression
  • healthy relationships
  • academic performance
  • increased stress
  • distraction
  • negative influence
  • exposure to violence
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