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Band 5.5

In the modern world, it is possible to shop, work, and communicate with people via the internet and live without face-to-face contact with others. Is it a positive or negative development, in your opinion?

#world #shop #work #people #internet #contact #development
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In contemporary society, the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
 enables
people
 to perform their daily activities
such
 as shopping, working, and communicating with others without any face-to-face contact. From my perspective,
this
 is mostly a positive development,
while
 there is a drawback that will be discussed. In the first place, the benefits of
this
 phenomenon are multifaceted. Primarily, the internet makes our lives more convenient, allowing us to spend more time
staying
Verb problem
apply
show examples
with our family and friends. Specifically,
people
 can shop without the need to go to a supermarket or department store in person and commute for a long time to go to work;
consequently
, they can save a multitude of time
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 on roads to accompany the
people
 around
us
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
For instance
, a white-collar worker in a multinational company can just work from home
instead
 of relocating to another country, departing from his hometown and family.
Additionally
, for companies and entrepreneurs, working online helps them set aside funds for designing and manufacturing products rather than the construction of office facilities, which
favors
Change the spelling
favours
show examples
 to a large extent the development of small and medium-sized enterprises. Notwithstanding, we cannot deny that
this
 trend has a negative effect:
people
 tend to lost in the virtual world.
For instance
,
while
 most
people
 take advantage of the internet to work and study, some
people
 just indulge in video games.
Consequently
,
this
 isolation from the real world is the root cause of severe mental and physical health issues,
such
 as depression, insecurity, and obesity, which is a common phenomenon we have observed in recent years. In conclusion, getting our job done without any in-person contact is primarily a positive development for the two main reasons outlined above.
Nevertheless
, it is not a perfect trend without any disadvantages.
Submitted by Amber on

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Task achievement
Ensure to provide a balanced view when discussing both the positive and negative aspects of a topic to maintain a clear and comprehensive discussion throughout your essay.
Coherence and cohesion
To improve your essay, consider varying your sentence structures and incorporating a wider range of linking words to enhance readability and flow.
Introduction
You effectively introduced the topic and provided a clear thesis statement, which is crucial for a strong introduction.
Main Points
Your main points are well-supported by specific examples and explanations, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic and the task requirements.
Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the essay, clearly stating your stance which aligns with the introduction, creating a coherent narrative.
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