IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease,goverments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems.To what extnet do you agree or disagree?

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It is said that governments should pay attention to decreasing the pollution of the environment and housing issues in order to protect citizens from disease and illness.Perhaps,some individuals consider that solution is not useful as these diseases can
also
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 be caused by
gene
Fix the agreement mistake
genes
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.
This
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 writer will discuss both views and give my own opinion in
this
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 essay.
To begin
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 with,bad life conditions and pollution are
on
Correct your spelling
one
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 of the main causes leading to illnesses.It can be seen that
people
Use synonyms
 in contact regularly with pollutants have their health more and more weakened.To illustrate,SO2 and CO2 in the air make
people
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 more easily get lung cancer and
also
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 nose,and breathing problems.
Additionally
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,living in a dirty condition and places where there are many
people
Use synonyms
stayed
Wrong verb form
staying
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 on makes chances for the pandemic to spread more quickly.
For example
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,during the COVID-19 pandemic,medical organisations gave advice that citizens must make a gap of about 2 meters with other
people
Use synonyms
 in order to
decline
Verb problem
reduce
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 the spreading rate. There are many harmful diseases that are caused by genes in the family.
In other words
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, genetic disorders occur when a mutation affects genes or when having the wrong amount of genetic material.
As a consequence
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, newborn babies get into some genetic disorders,
for instance
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: Blood cancer,Downbase and HIV.The common theme between them is no use of cure,and can easily spread through generations in one family.The government cannot solve these kinds of problems by decreasing life conditions because these factors do not have an effect on inheritable diseases. In conclusion,not only polluted
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
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 and housing problems have a harmful effect on human health ,but
also
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 the genetic factors

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introduction
Your essay presents a balanced view on the issue, discussing both sides of the argument effectively. However, the introduction could be more engaging and provide a clearer thesis statement that outlines your main argument.
coherence
The body paragraphs effectively discuss both viewpoints and provide examples, but the connection between your ideas can be strengthened. Using more cohesive devices (e.g., consequently, furthermore, in addition) could help improve the flow of your essay.
conclusion
Your conclusion summarizes the essay well, but it could be improved by more clearly stating your own opinion on the issue. Remember that a strong conclusion reinforces your stance and provides a concise summary of your arguments.
body content
Consider elaborating more on your examples and how they support your argument. Providing more detail and specific instances can strengthen your essay by demonstrating a deeper understanding of the topic.
balanced argument
You successfully discuss both sides of the argument, providing a balanced viewpoint.
examples
Good use of examples to illustrate your points, although more detail could be added.
structure
Overall, your essay is logically structured and easy to follow, with each paragraph clearly focused on a single main idea.
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