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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The bar graph above delineates the total percentage of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 in Australia who did physical
activities
Use synonyms
 in the year 2010, based on their
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
. The
overall
Linking Words
 chart depicts a consistent pattern of both genders who have
involved
Add a missing verb
been involved
show examples
 in physical
activities
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, throughout the
graph
Add a comma
graph,
show examples
 we can see a female domination over
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 which means that
women
Use synonyms
 have more
intrest
Correct your spelling
interest
 in extracurricular
activities
Use synonyms
 than
men
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 male sex data,
15
Correct article usage
the 15
show examples
 to 24
age
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group
Use synonyms
men
Use synonyms
 had more physical strength than
rest
Correct article usage
the rest
show examples
 of the
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, 45 to 54
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
women
Use synonyms
 had more interest in strength gain with a range of 53.3 per cent and
this
Linking Words
 is the highest of all
age
Use synonyms
 groups who had engaged in physical
activities
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.
In contrast
Linking Words
, we can observe an equal involvement of both
men
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 and
women
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on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 or above the
age
Use synonyms
 of 65 which means, both genders took physical health as a serious concern at the
age
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 of 65.
To sum up
Linking Words
, as
age
Use synonyms
 increases
women
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starts
Change the verb form
start
show examples
 looking into physical health more than
men
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, activities, age, group with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Bar chart
  • Percentage
  • Regular physical activity
  • Participation
  • Age group
  • Trend
  • Significant
  • Notable
  • Gender gap
  • Comparative analysis
  • Consistent
  • Decline
  • Progressive
  • Conversely
  • Motivations
  • Barriers
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