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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, the rate of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with this?

#countries #rate #crime
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In contemporary society,
crime
 is one of the most considerable concerns and the rates of it have an upward trend.
This
 essay will discuss some reasons for
this
 problem and provide solutions to
this
.
Firstly
, the reason why
crime
 is increasing day by day in many countries is that the governments do not implement harsh
laws
. To elaborate, if there are no strict rules in the law system,
crime
 incidents will be likely to be widespread, on the ground that the
people
 who want to steal money or kill someone would not fear, which makes it easier to be a member of a criminal organization.
For instance
, there are numerous criminal syndicates in Mexico
such
 as “Cartel”, that are to blame for the drug trade.
Furthermore
, the poverty
level
also
 plays an important role in the increasing tendency in
crime
 rates. To be more specific,
this
 contributing factor makes
people
 turn to
crime
 in order to pay bills and meet family responsibilities.
On the other hand
, to tackle
this
 concern, governments should introduce stricter
laws
,
thus
 leading
people
 to obey the rules and avoid
crime
. Thanks to harsher implementations, the indicators of
crime
 can be reduced which is advantageous for new generations.
Additionally
, the poverty
level
 should be decreased by increasing social benefits, thereby leading to alleviation in
crime
 rates.
Moreover
, employment is of paramount importance for citizen's
overall
 well-being.
Hence
, the unemployment
level
 should be stayed at the lowest numbers as soon as possible.
To conclude
, it is a lack of strictness of
laws
 and poverty
level
.
In addition
, there are many solutions to solve
this
 issue, including introducing harsher and harsher
laws
, improving social benefits, and making
people
 employed.
Submitted by writingbhos on

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Relevance & Examples
Try to provide more detailed and varied examples to support your points. While you mentioned Mexico and its criminal organizations, diversifying your examples could make your argument more robust.
Task Response
Consider developing your ideas further to fully address both parts of the question. While you have offered solutions, exploring them in greater depth could improve your task achievement score.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs for better flow. Phrases that link ideas can help improve the readability and coherence of your essay.
Structure
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your essay.
Content Coverage
Your essay addresses both the causes of rising crime rates and potential solutions, covering the main aspects of the prompt.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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