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Band 5

some people believe a high salary is the most important factor when choosing a job. others believe that a good working environment is more important. discuss both view and give your opinion

#people #salary #factor #job #environment
Pepole
Correct your spelling
People
 have different views when it comes to working;
While
 some people believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
more income is the main reason
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 choosing a
job
, others, with different ideas,
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that the most important factor is a good vibe in
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
.
despit
Correct your spelling
Despite
 the fact that income is important, I would argue that a good environment is a top priority in a
job
. On the one hand, earning more
money
 is always one of the individual's top
aim
Fix the agreement mistake
aims
show examples
, in their life,
therefore
 some of them have faith
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
money
, and they want to earn it
by
Change preposition
at
show examples
 any cost.
In
Change preposition
For
show examples
instant
Replace the word
instance
show examples
, they say when you have
money
, other elements are not important, and you can solve all of your problems with
money
. When
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of people apply for a
job
, they only consider the wage, nothing else, so they may work in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bad
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
,
while
 they accept
this
 situation.
On the other hand
, others believe in another way. They believe when you want to choose a profession, always working environment is at the top priority, so they did not decide only based on
money
. In My opinion, working
by
Change preposition
at
show examples
 any cost will be harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 your mental and physical health,
therefore
 you must consider the workplace atmosphere. I believe that when you attend
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
job
, and it suits you
any way
Replace the word
anyway
show examples
, mentally
phisicaly
Correct your spelling
physically
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
etc, only with
job
 satisfaction you can earn more
money
. In these circumstances,
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
 pushes you forward,
while
 it
eat
Change the verb form
eats
show examples
 out your energy,
vice
Correct word choice
and vice
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 versa.
At
Change the preposition
In
show examples
 the end, despite the fact that some people have more
believe
Replace the word
belief
show examples
 on
money
, I would say,
Money
 is not so important, and well mental health is more important.
Forthemore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, one of the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 for choosing a profession is income, but
job
fullfilment
Correct your spelling
fulfilment
 is on top of that.
Submitted by mehdikarimi0811 on

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Spelling/Grammar
Be mindful of spelling and grammar to ensure clarity and professionalism in your writing. For instance, correct 'Pepole' to 'People', 'belive' to 'believe', and 'phisicaly' to 'physically'.
Expansion
Expand on your examples to strengthen your argument. Providing specific instances or data can make your points more convincing and grounded.
Coherence
Use transitions more effectively to link your ideas smoothly. Phrases like 'On the other hand', 'Furthermore', and 'In conclusion' were used well, but adding more connecting phrases can enhance the flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
You did a great job presenting both sides of the argument and providing a clear personal stance, demonstrating effective task achievement.
Structure
The structure of your essay is clear, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, showing good use of logical structure.
Support
You successfully supported your main points with explanations, reflecting an understanding of the topic and contributing to your score for supported main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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