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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays many people chose to be self employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation. Why might be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self employed?

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There is a trend these days for individuals to opt for self-employment
instead
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 of being an employee in an organization mainly because of the flexible work routine and in order to avoid strict rules.
Although
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
Remove the comma
apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma after the subordinating conjunction Although. Consider removing the comma.

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 it has some merits, there are many drawbacks as well including a sedentary lifestyle and lack of incentives in the job. On the one hand, there are many folks who prefer to be independent in their work schedule, so that, they can plan things
according to
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 their own choice.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, when we slept late at night after attending a function, my brother who is a
free lancer
Correct your spelling
freelancer

The word free lancer seems to be miswritten. Consider replacing it.

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 had adequate sleep overnight, as he had the liberty to wake up late in the morning to start his routine.
In addition
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, some people don't want to take orders from a boss.They want freedom from
tough
Correct article usage
the tough

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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 regulations that accompany an office job.To illustrate
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, my cousin who was an assistant manager in a bank used to get written warnings from his superior on almost
weekly
Correct article usage
a weekly

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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 basis for not finishing the tasks
in
Change preposition
on

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 time or coming late in the morning.He
finally
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 had to quit the post and start doing his own business.
On the other hand
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, there is a tendency for self-occupied people to be lazy and lethargic.When no one is there to keep a check on them, they tend to be less active and energetic, which can lead to multiple health problems.One of my
uncle
Fix the agreement mistake
uncles

It seems that uncle may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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, who runs a shop of his own in the city centre has gained so much
wait
Correct your spelling
weight

The word wait doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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 after prolonged sitting that he can hardly manage to move around.
Also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, he has developed diabetes and hypertension because of obesity.
Moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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independent workers cannot enjoy the perks and
previleges
Correct your spelling
privileges

If you don’t want previleges to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

offered by an institution.Many organizations like
Defence
Correct article usage
the Defence

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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department
Capitalize word
Department

The word department should be capitalized in this context.

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 of Pakistan provide health, insurance and recreational packages for the welfare of employees and their families.
Furthermore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
solo-workers
Correct your spelling
solo workers

The word solo-workers doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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 cannot afford to be away from their work for
long
Correct article usage
a long

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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 duration
due to
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 financial constraints.
On the contrary
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the salaried
calss
Correct your spelling
class

If you don’t want calss to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

can avail many months of paid leave for their private affairs.My colleague in a government hospital goes on a recreational leave every two
month
Change to a plural noun
months

The singular noun month follows a number other than one. Consider changing the noun to the plural form.

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 to spend quality time with his family. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 the decision to remain independent in the job has few advantages including liberty of activities and timings, it has many demerits comprising
of
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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unhealthy habits and a lack of motivation in their profession.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to add complexity and fluency to your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to ensure your paragraphs are well-balanced in terms of length and content.
Task Achievement
Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition and to demonstrate lexical resource.
Task Achievement
Consider exploring a wider range of arguments for and against being self-employed to enrich your essay.
Task Achievement
Provided a clear thesis statement and a logical conclusion to wrap up the essay.
Task Achievement
Used specific examples to support your points effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Managed to organize your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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