IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree Discuss both views and give you opinion

#employers #people #jobs #information
Job
 searching is a very tough task. A jobless person suffers a lot of difficulties in doing so. And if you are not a qualified person
then
 there would be no chance for you to get a desired
job
. Every so often, employers need
applicant's
Correct article usage
an applicant's
show examples
 personal
details
 for the
job
 he applying for. There is a difference of opinion about
this
 topic. Some people think that it is very necessary for the
job
 and others show their concerns about it.
Furthermore
, providing their personal
details
 may be useful in some specific jobs but
on the other hand
, it may not be relevant to the profession so they are reluctant to provide
such
details
. As for my point of view, I stand with the statement that personal information should only be attached or given when
this
 information is required for the
job
 and the application you submit and cannot be
not
Rephrase
apply
show examples
considered without
details
.
Moreover
, if you attached all your relevant documents with the application and nothing
left
Add a missing verb
is left
show examples
 in any of the related documents which you should provide,
then
 there is no reason to ask about your personal
details
. Some companies do
such
 practices and violate the
rule
Fix the agreement mistake
rules
show examples
 and regulations. There
shouldb
Correct your spelling
should
 be
amechanism
Correct your spelling
a mechanism
mechanism
 on the government level
as well as
 relevant authorities. So that
such
 practice would be stopped. Companies should follow the SOPs and channel the process in a smooth way. I conclude my essay with the argument that
this
 is the fundamental right of the applicant that employers should not be demanding
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
his personal information.
Submitted by computersinn2007 on

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development of argument
You've started well by engaging with the topic directly, and you have a clear stance. However, developing your argument with more detailed examples could strengthen your essay. Think about adding specific scenarios or evidence to back up your points.
paragraphing and structure
Try to ensure your essay has a clearer structure. Use paragraphs effectively, each carrying its own point that supports your argument. Starting a new paragraph for each new idea will aid in organization and readability.
language precision
Working on the precision of your language would enhance your essay. Some sentences can be made clearer to better convey your message. Consider revising sentences that might be too long or have complex phrases for simpler and more accurate alternatives.
clarity of opinion
You have a clear opinion which is good for the essay’s task response.
introduction and conclusion
Use of introductory and concluding paragraphs helps to frame your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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