IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Because of the busy pace of modern life, many children spend most of their time indoors and have little exposure to the natural world.

#pace #life #children #time #indoors #exposure #world
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Due to
hustling
Correct article usage
the hustling
show examples
 rhythm of nowadays modern life,
huge
Change the article
a huge
the huge
show examples
 number of young people and children spend their leisure time doing indoor activities and as most parents claim,
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they have no willingness to have exposure to the
environment
 and
nature
. More than that,
younger
Add an article
the younger
show examples
 generation cannot understand the importance of communicating and appreciating
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nature
. From my perspective
this
 is something that should be changed in our society
due to
 unfortunate consequences
it’s
Unnecessary verb
it
show examples
 may
lend
Correct your spelling
lead
show examples
 to. Our bond with
nature
 was resilient and unbreakable, but throughout centuries things changed, technologies developed and human beings evolved. Day by day people no longer were respectful to the
environment
. As an example of its major negative
consequences
Add a comma
consequences,
show examples
 we can take air pollution, lack of water and global warming. All these negative effects are caused by irresponsible people who
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not admire
nature
. So my point is that we need to implement
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 appreciating mindset towards caring for our
environment
 because the future survival of
entire
Add an article
the entire
show examples
 world is dependent on
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
. I’m pretty sure that going out with your family and children
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 some sort of
trips
Fix the agreement mistake
trip
show examples
 or
campings
Fix the agreement mistake
camping
show examples
 will broaden
child’s
Change noun form
your children’s
show examples
 knowledge and help them realize the
values
Fix the agreement mistake
value
show examples
 of preserving
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
. Parents should encourage their kids to notice the benefits and beauty of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nature
.
To conclude
 I would like to mention once more that adults need to show children that caring for our natural
environment
 is essential. Our future survival depends on it.
Submitted by madinabonu.bm on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction development
Consider enhancing your introduction with a more direct statement summarizing your stance or the key arguments you plan to make. This could provide a clearer roadmap for your essay right from the start.
Coherence improvement
To improve coherence, aim for smoother transitions between ideas. Linking phrases such as 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' or 'Conversely' can guide readers through your arguments more effectively.
Example specificity
While you've used examples to support your points, incorporating a wider range of specific instances or data could strengthen your argumentation and make your essay more persuasive.
Tone consistency
Be mindful of maintaining a formal tone throughout your essay. Avoid using colloquial expressions and ensure your vocabulary consistently reflects academic writing standards.
Argument strength
Your essay clearly articulates the importance of reconnecting with nature and highlights the potential consequences of failing to do so. This strong stance engages the reader and underscores the relevance of your argument.
Structure
The structure of your essay, including the presence of an introduction and conclusion, effectively frames your argument and provides a satisfying sense of closure.
Evidence use
You have effectively used supporting points to back up your main argument, demonstrating an understanding of how evidence can be used to persuade the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: