IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #members #society #school #place
Nowadays, people are becoming progressively concerned with the subject relating to homeschooling. It
therefore
 leads to the debate
Change preposition
about that
show examples
that
Correct word choice
whether
show examples
 we as parents should delegate authority to educators to deal with our
children
's issues or
is
Correct word choice
if is
show examples
 it our duty to take action for
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 sake
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both views, express my opinion on the topic and give
out
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some reasons why I think so. On the
one
 hand, mass
education
 is the most cost-effective way.
This
 century-old practice has been
proved
Correct your spelling
proven
show examples
 to be efficient throughout the course of the
industrial revolution
Correct your spelling
Industrial Revolution
show examples
 and even
till
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 day in developing countries. Why is that, you may ask? The answer is rather simple: the mentioned period and the third-world countries have
one
 thing in common, and it is the lack of human resources.
Additionally
, not all parents have the free time and money to afford a customized
education
 programme for their
children
. The solution to
this
 problem is to create a standardized teaching
method
 that every child can follow.
Although
 there are some drawbacks to
this
method
,
such
 as the child might not be self-actualized, it is noteworthy that
this
method
 will quickly build up a generation of new workers that get into the
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 force and start contributing to the
overall
 well-being of the country.
On the other hand
, it is no exaggeration to say that homeschooling is
one
 of the
Correct quantifier usage
most advance
show examples
advance
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
education
 movements in the world.
This
method
 helps to mitigate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stress and
offer
Correct subject-verb agreement
offers
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
comprehensive growth for the student.
Firstly
,
children
 will be taught what they actually want to learn,
this
 helps to incentivize the
children
 to strive for new knowledge
that is
 truly useful for them as
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
.
Furthermore
, it would reduce the pressure the child might encounter by providing support when necessary.
Hence
, it has
proven
Add a missing verb
been proven
show examples
 that
this
method
 is superior when compared to the traditional
one
. Since the mentor has to pay attention to the class as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 whole, rather than solely focus on each of the individuals that
participates
Change the verb form
participate
show examples
 in the class. From my perspective,
athough
Correct your spelling
although
though
 I am aware of the benefits that home
education
 has to offer, I am more on the side of the traditional way of teaching, because the examination system in Vietnam is strongly influenced by the formality of achievement,
instead
 of the actual performance of the student during that learning process. Plus, homeschooling will generate a sufficient amount of expenditure that a typical Vietnamese household can not finance.
Submitted by jakelong16091994 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction and Conclusion
Great job on providing a clear introduction and conclusion that frame your argument effectively. This structure helps readers understand your position from the beginning and see how you've developed it throughout your essay.
Logical Structure
You've done well in organizing your essay logically, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument. Keep up with this approach in structuring your paragraphs.
Supported Main Points
Your main points are well-supported, but including more diverse and specific examples could enhance your argument further. Try to incorporate a wider range of evidence and examples to substantiate your points.
Task Achievement
You've responded to the task well by discussing both views and providing your own opinion. To further improve, ensure that your personal stance is as elaborated and supported as the other perspectives you present. This balance will strengthen your argument.
Logical Structure
The essay provides a clear structure, making the argument easy to follow.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively encapsulate your argument, guiding the reader smoothly through your discussion.
Supported Main Points
You've successfully supported your points with reasons, showing a good understanding of how to construct an argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!