IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

These days young children spend a lot of time using computers, tablet and smartphones. Some people think that introducing children to technology at a young age is beneficial. Others believe that they would benefit more from traditional games. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge and experience.

#children #time #computers #tablet #smartphones #people #technology #age #games
Nowadays very popular children spend a lot of time on the computer, smartphone, tablet, etc. They spend a couple of our with them. It is very popular to use them in society. The majority of other people believe that teaching children
technology
 at young children is more pros. Some others think that more advantages to traditional
games
.
Technology
 has more pros and
cons
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both views in my own knowledge. On the one hand, these days we are using more devices in our day-to-day life. Because
technology
 is very increasing the modern society. If they use it should become smart and knowledgeable.
For example
, the British BBC public website research that the youngest used
technology
 devices than in the past years by 80%.
On the other hand
, playing traditional
games
also
 has more
cons
. They use
games
 and they are not doing anything.
moreover
, those who are using the game their progeny even their studies, and families are addicted to it.
For instance
, they waste money and mobile cards and they buy game apps paying for money.
Therefore
, it is more
cons
 they wasting money and time on the valuable thing. In conclusion,
technology
 and traditional
games
 have more pros and
cons
. Since In my perspective, pupils should be used to
technology
 devices for restricted. Bm
Submitted by ma.ushamanu1024 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Strive for clarity in expressing your ideas. Some sentences were confusing or grammatically incorrect, making it difficult to understand your position fully.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance the logical structure of your essay. The transition between paragraphs and ideas could be smoother to help the reader follow your argument more easily.
Task Achievement
Provide specific examples to support your arguments. You mentioned research by the BBC but did not provide detailed information or how it supports your viewpoint.
Task Achievement
Make sure your introduction and conclusion are clear and summarize your main points effectively. The conclusion should reflect on the discussion and provide a decisive viewpoint.
Task Achievement
You managed to cover both sides of the argument, indicating an attempt to respond to the task comprehensively.
Relevance to Topic
You have engaged with the topic and attempted to discuss relevant issues concerning technology usage and children.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: