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In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages

#countries #people #work #move #friends #families #development
It is often argued that
the
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apply
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finding
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
which
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apply
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motivate
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motivates
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people
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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to
move
 away from
the
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their
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 family and friends. In my opinion, I completely
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
this
 has many advantages and in
this
 essay will explain why.
Firstly
,
people
 who want to work in their own field of interest
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have to
move
 away from
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 family and friends.
That is
 to say, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
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apply
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people
 are unable to find
the
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apply
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jobs near
to
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apply
show examples
their places,
however
, most of the jobs are
availabe
Correct your spelling
available
 in other cities and overseas. So, if someone wants to work in their field they have to keep
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 option to
move
 out.
For instance
, employers in developed
countires
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countries
 like Australia and Canada pay more wages to the employees
whereas
, in developing countries
likes
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like
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 Nepal and India, employees are paid competitively less salary.
This
ia
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is
 another reason
people
move
 out for
better
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a better
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 salary.
Secondly
, migrating to another
place
 not only
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 the option for
better
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a better
show examples
work
Correct your spelling
workplace
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place
 but
also
give
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gives
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 the knowledge about different
culture
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cultures
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 and technology.
That is
 to say,
people
 who travel to different places have more understanding
for
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of
show examples
 cultures rather than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
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are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 working in
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
place
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
 time. As an
illustration
Add a comma
illustration,
show examples
 some studies reveal that 40% of
people
move
 away from family and
friedns
Correct your spelling
friends
 in search of
new
Add an article
a new
the new
show examples
 culture and
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 workplace, where they can earn more and it keeps them motivated as well.
To sum up
, I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
people
 have more
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
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 and finance
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when they
move
 out
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
birth
Correct your spelling
birthplace
show examples
place
.
Submitted by sateezg on

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Introduction Clarity
Try to provide a clearer thesis statement in your introduction that directly addresses the question. This will make your position and argument clearer from the beginning.
Linking Words
Use a range of cohesive devices (linking words) effectively to help with the flow of the essay. While you have some, increasing variety and accuracy would enhance the essay's clarity and cohesion.
Support and Relevance
Ensure that your main points are directly supporting your argument by explicitly connecting them back to the question asked. This will strengthen your task achievement score.
Grammar
Pay close attention to grammatical accuracy and range. Varied sentence structures and careful use of complex grammar can both improve your writing score.
Paragraph Development
Work on developing paragraphs with a single clear idea that is expanded upon, including more detailed examples to support your points. This will make your argument stronger and more coherent.
Structure
You provided a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is essential for a well-organized essay.
Use of Examples
You attempted to use examples to support your points, showing an understanding of the importance of evidence in argumentative writing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • relocation
  • employment prospects
  • professional development
  • cultural exposure
  • isolation
  • familial relationships
  • cost of living
  • career progression
  • mental health
  • significant life events
  • higher salaries
  • support families
  • broaden horizons
  • living standards
What to do next:
Look at other essays: