Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#countries #service #men #school #idea #system #women

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Although

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many people adamantly argue against compulsory military

service

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, saying it would take time

from

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for

show examples

the youth to do what they want to do, I firmly believe the opposite. Putting the young,

both

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men and women, through

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

military

service

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is not only harmless

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apply

show examples

but

also

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a boon to

both

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themselves and our nations.

Firstly

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, we need mandatory military

service

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to provide enough human

resource

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resources

show examples

in the

army

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for public services.

While

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the first impression of most people about the function of the

army

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Add an article

a defense

show examples

defense

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defence

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against

external

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the external

an external

show examples

invader

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invaders

show examples

this

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is only a portion of the responsibility of the

army

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. They are

also

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partially responsible

to defend

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for defending

show examples

the country against natural disasters

such

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as floods, storms or epidemics. When

such

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catastrophic events happen, the military

need

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needs

show examples

a tremendous amount of

resource

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resources

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to support numerous tasks,

both

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during and after the incidents. Without mandatory military

service

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, the number of officers to help the

citizen

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citizens

show examples

, either moving them out of the affected area or rebuilding the house/infrastructure, will

dwindled

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dwindle

show examples

Therefore

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, to minimize any impacts

due to

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disasters, all of our youth should go through a specific period of mandatory military

service

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Secondly

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, military

service

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enhances not only

physical

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the physical

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health but

also

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mental

Correct article usage

the mental

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fortitude of our children. The environment in the

army

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is very strict: the timetable, meal plans and exercise regime for the whole day are meticulously planned and enforced for all men and women enlisted. In

other word

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another word

other words

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, there would be no consumption of junk food, staying up late, or parties. A year or even several months following

such

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routine

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a routine

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would improve our

youth

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youth's

show examples

health dramatically.

Furthermore

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, being

though

Correct your spelling

through

show examples

a disciplined environment gives our people the resilience needed to flourish. Mental strength is an advantage not only on the battlefields

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apply

show examples

but

also

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in our everyday, extremely competitive world of work. In conclusion, I firmly believe that policymakers around the world should seriously consider making their military

service

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compulsory. Going through

this

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process is an opportunity for our kids to enhance their body and mind,

while

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the countries

has

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have

show examples

enough

resource

Fix the agreement mistake

resources

show examples

defense

Replace the word

defend

show examples

against

both

Use synonyms

internal and external threats.

Submitted by hoagloc on Sat Apr 27 2024

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Task Achievement

You've presented a well-structured argument with a clear introduction, development of ideas, and a concise conclusion. However, including more specific examples and evidence to support your points could enhance the essay's persuasiveness.

Coherence & Cohesion

You've maintained a good logical flow in your essay, which makes it easy to follow. To further improve, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing techniques to enhance the connections between your ideas.

Task Achievement

Your essay provides a clear position throughout, which directly addresses the prompt.

Coherence & Cohesion

The introduction and conclusion are effectively handled, setting out your position and summarizing the main points convincingly.

Task Achievement

Your essay demonstrates a strong ability to discuss advantages and implications, contributing to a thorough task achievement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
23
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

347 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

Compulsory
Military service
Conscription
Patriotism
National security
Social equality
Discipline
Physical fitness
Life skills
Job training
Infringement
Conscripts
Gender equality
Mandatory
Economy
Education system
Labor market
Civil service
Alternative forms
Balanced view

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Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction.

There is a general increase in anti-social behaviours and lack of respect for others. What are the causes and solutions?

These days consumers are faced with an increasing amount of advertising from various company. To what extent do you think consumers are infuenced by advertising?What measures should be taken to prevent them?