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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #person #opportunity
It is inevitable that the aims
spending
Change preposition
of spending
show examples
money
 depend
one
Correct your spelling
on
show examples
 the person
while
 some
people
 argue that the most essential thing about being a wealthy person is to provide
opportunity
Add an article
an opportunity
the opportunity
show examples
 to give other
people
 a hand. From my standpoint, I firmly believe that being rich means
to help
Change the verb form
helping
show examples
 other
people
.
To begin
 with,
people
 commonly depict being rich as having much
money
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
people
 to spend it
whatever
Change preposition
on whatever
show examples
 they desire, constructing gigantic
house
Fix the agreement mistake
houses
show examples
 like
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
castle
Fix the agreement mistake
castles
show examples
 or shopping
branded
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for branded
show examples
 clothes.
However
, it is nothing if they do not have
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
pleasure.
People
 may ignore the rich
people
 in their
environtment
Correct your spelling
environment
 because they are so selfish,
thingking
Correct your spelling
thinking
 only about
theirselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
show examples
. To prevent that case,
socilising
Correct your spelling
socialising
specialising
 in
community
Add an article
the community
a community
show examples
 or taking
crucial
Correct article usage
a crucial
show examples
 part among civilians is an essential action.
Although
people
 do not own
money
 they still have
energy
Change the article
the energy
show examples
 to do so. As an
ilustration
Correct your spelling
illustration
, one district in
south
Capitalize word
South
show examples
celebes
Correct your spelling
celebs
Celebes
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a member
that is
 poor, but they always
take
Correct your spelling
make
show examples
effort
Correct article usage
an effort
show examples
 to help others as long as he can do it.
As a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
people
exhibtit
Correct your spelling
exhibit
 respect
respons
Correct your spelling
response
 and
adreess
Correct your spelling
address
 him as a rich person.
On the other hand
,
well-to-do-family
Correct your spelling
well-to-do families
show examples
 have an obligation to pay attention
what
Change preposition
to what
show examples
 happen in their
environtment
Correct your spelling
environment
. It is because in human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
 in
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 of
surviving
Replace the word
survival
show examples
,
people
 are not able to live without other
people
 as social creatures. The rich
people
 can allocate their
money
 to their
colosed
Correct your spelling
close
closed
 relatives or even their
neighbors
Change the spelling
neighbours
show examples
, funding
money
 to help poor
people
 meet their needs.
For instance
,
people
 in
indonesia
Change the capitalization
Indonesia
show examples
 possess a traditional culture called ‘gotong royong’. It is evident that if there is an individual
encounter
Fix the agreement mistake
encounters
show examples
 difficulties,
people
 who have much
money
 can help them to cope with their
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 and giving some
money
 is
on
Correct your spelling
one
show examples
 of the solutions. In
conclussion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, even though the terms of being rich have
wider
Add an article
a wider
show examples
 meaning, I strongly believe that wealthy
people
 are not always about
money
,
however
 the most important is
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 ability to help other
people
 who
need
Correct pronoun usage
need it
show examples
.
That is
 a priceless thing.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Grammar & Clarity
Ensure to proofread your essay to correct minor grammatical errors and improve clarity in some sentences.
Sentence Variety
Experiment with more varied sentence structures to enhance the flow of ideas and keep the reader's interest.
Idea Development
Try to further develop your ideas with a bit more depth in some paragraphs, providing more detailed examples or explanations.
Task Response
You effectively addressed the prompt, presenting a clear stance on the topic and backing up your opinions with logical reasoning.
Organization
Your essay demonstrates good cohesion and coherence with a clear introduction, logical development of ideas, and a coherent conclusion.
Use of Examples
You've provided relevant examples to support your main points, effectively illustrating your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • wealthy
  • financial resources
  • philanthropy
  • charitable organizations
  • donations
  • fundraising
  • support
  • initiatives
  • contribute
  • fulfillment
  • purpose
  • selfless
  • altruistic
  • prioritize
  • personal gain
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