IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

advanteges and disadvantages of playing video games for children

#advanteges #video #games #children
Nowadays
children
 around the world have their own
cutting edge
Add a hyphen
cutting-edge
show examples
 devices and enjoy a
lot
 of
games
 or virtual reality
games
. Entire world parents tend to give
children
 devices and
be
Verb problem
have
show examples
 more free time for their leisure.
This
 essay
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 information about
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 and drawbacks of playing
video
games
 for
children
. On the one
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
this
 habit or
addict
Replace the word
addiction
show examples
 can be the most
destroying
Replace the word
destructive
show examples
 matter for
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 future
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. Because when
children
 spend a
lot
 of time playing
games
 they
are losing
Wrong verb form
lose
show examples
toch
Correct your spelling
touch
 with real life and in other cases
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 forget to study school subjects, have
not
Correct your spelling
no
show examples
 outdoor activities, and
their
Change the pronoun
they
show examples
 get more introverted.
Moreover
,
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 could be more
anger
Replace the word
angry
show examples
,
anxious
Correct word choice
and anxious
show examples
 and when
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 lose touch with real life
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can get some punishment.
For example
,
brother
Correct article usage
the brother
show examples
 killed
him
Correct pronoun usage
his
show examples
 little baby sister when she
cry
Wrong verb form
cried
show examples
 a
lot
.
On the other hand
 balanced playing
video
Change preposition
of video
show examples
games
more
Add a missing verb
is more
show examples
 useful for
childrens
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 cognitive and
psycologycal
Correct your spelling
psychological
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
show examples
.
Due to
 a
lot
 of hand
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 in
brain
Add an article
the brain
show examples
 of
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
 generation will get a
lot
 of
neiron
Correct your spelling
neuron
link
Change to a plural noun
links
show examples
 and
this
 can
be
Verb problem
have
show examples
more
Add an article
a more
show examples
 beneficial effect
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
. Some
video
games
 can help
relaxing to
Wrong verb form
relax
show examples
children
 or open
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 emotional state and it is
common
Change the adjective
commonly
show examples
 useful for
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
psycological
Correct your spelling
psychological
 health. In conclusion, virtual activities
such
 as
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
video games
a video game
show examples
video
games
 can be more useful or can be destroyed if
do
Verb problem
they are
show examples
 not
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
balanced.
Submitted by nobleness94 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Ensure you maintain a clear and logical structure throughout your essay, making your arguments easy to follow.
content
Work on integrating more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. This will enhance the persuasiveness and depth of your essay.
grammar
Pay attention to your spelling, grammar, and punctuation to avoid errors that can distract from your message.
conclusion
Consider expanding on your conclusion to more effectively summarize your points and reinforce your stance on the topic.
content
You've clearly addressed both advantages and disadvantages of playing video games, showcasing a balanced view.
structure
Your introduction and conclusion are present and provide a general overview and closure to your essay, helping to frame your discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: