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Band 5

Topic: some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#topic #university #students #subjects #addition #time #attention #qualification
Some pupil
attend to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
concentrate on other
subjects
instead
 of their homework
however
;
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others certainly spend much more time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
studying to achieve a certificate and qualification. I personally believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 focusing on
main
Correct article usage
the main
show examples
subjects
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 really essential
although
; they are not allowed to
oblivious
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
pay attention to other
subjects
. My
idea
Fix the agreement mistake
ideas
show examples
 about both views will be discussed in
this
 essay. On one hand; some individuals think that
focus
Wrong verb form
focusing
show examples
 on
main
Correct article usage
the main
show examples
 lessons will make
qualified
Correct article usage
a qualified
show examples
 generation. I certainly agree with
this
 group
because of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 some reasons. First of all, I have read one news which was mentioned that Japanese students spend more
7
Change preposition
than 7
show examples
hours during the day
to do
Change the verb form
doing
show examples
 their homework.
To sum up
; they earn
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
 range of knowledge about their majors, and whenever they
expose
Wrong verb form
are exposed
show examples
 to challenges, they will solve them as soon as possible.
Secondly
; the government will face
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
knowledgeable groups, so it can inform and conduct them better.
On the other hand
; some groups said that children should learn other
subjects
 more than the
main
Correct pronoun usage
main ones
show examples
.
According to
 their opinion, learning
school’s
Change noun form
school
show examples
 lessons
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not the only way to improve themselves. I believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it is a good idea to let pupil spend a little time
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 whatever topics they want because tiredness will devastate them from their goals.
To conclude
; I certainly opine that students should focus on
school’s
Change noun form
school
show examples
subjects
 because it will help them to make their future better
however
Add the comma(s)
, however
show examples
; having fun and other activities are as much necessary as their lessons, too.
Submitted by abhari1997 on

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Structure
Try to structure your essay more clearly with distinct paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion to improve coherence.
Language Use
Use a wider variety of transition words to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Content
Incorporate more specific examples and evidence to support your points for both views and your own opinion.
Grammar
Be cautious of minor grammatical errors and typos; proofreading can help eliminate these.
Argumentation
Consider offering a more nuanced exploration of your opinion with more detailed reasoning.
Content
You have successfully discussed both sides of the argument, which is crucial in answering the question fully.
Conclusion
Your essay's conclusion effectively summarizes your views and restates the topic effectively, which is good practice.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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