IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many animal species in the world are becoming extinct nowadays. Some people say that countries and individuals should protect these animals from dying out, while others say we should concentrate more on problems of human beings. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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In the modern world , majority of the animals have disappeared. It is a debatable question , who is responsible for alleviating
this
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 problem?whether
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 the general public and nations or human beings as a whole
.
Change the punctuation
?
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 I partly agree with
this
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 assertion and
this
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 essay will acknowledge the validity of
this
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 statement and elaborates on my reason. On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand , many animal species are vanished around the world . Rapid growth of population
as well as
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 urbanisation are the major causes
while
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Correct article usage
the government
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government
Change noun form
government's
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 failure to take measures to prevent the forest is
one
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 of the reasons.
For instance
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, cutting down trees which are shelters for forest living things for the construction of houses with wood and occupying their space .
As a result
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, they are unable to go anywhere rather than die .More funds should be allotted for zoos by the authorities.
In addition
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 to that bushfires are
one
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 of the reasons for extinction because they are unable to migrate during fire.
On the other hand
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, human beings play a crucial role in conservative of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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forest creatures. People should start adopting the animals to save them
instead
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 of hunting them .
For example
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 ,
one
Use synonyms
 of the celebrities in India
hunt
Correct subject-verb agreement
hunts
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 a deer and kills with a gun just for fun and in some African countries kill for their food .If
this
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 continues,the next generation of kids have to see what we are doing for dinosaurs.
To sum up
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, it is
a
Correct article usage
the
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responsible
Replace the word
responsibility
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 of human beings, the public
as well
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as
Correct word choice
and
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 nations to protect their lives . Measures can be taken to control deforestation for construction .
Furthermore
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, the allocation of huge funds for the zoo parks .
However
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 , humans stop killing them for food and entertainment.

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Introduction & Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but they should more clearly present the topic and your opinion. Try starting with a straightforward statement of the topic and end with a clear summary of your stance.
Paragraph Structure
Work on developing more logically structured paragraphs. Each paragraph should ideally start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting sentences, and a concluding or transitional sentence.
Supporting Examples
You've included relevant examples, like the celebrity hunting in India and deforestation for construction, but aim to integrate them more seamlessly into your argument. Provide a bit more detail on how they support your main points.
Task Response Balance
For a complete task response, ensure that you discuss both views mentioned in the task equally and provide a clear, well-supported opinion.
Content Relevance
You successfully identified key issues affecting animal species and touched upon various causes from deforestation to illegal hunting. These points demonstrate an understanding of the topic's complexity.
Example Usage
Use of examples like celebrity hunting and deforestation shows an effort to use specific details to support your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • cascading effects
  • economic impacts
  • ecosystem
  • endangered species
  • environmental conservation
  • human welfare
  • moral duty
  • preserve
  • sustainable practices
  • habitats
  • interconnected
  • extinction
  • advocates
  • opponents
  • priority
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