IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #trend
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In the future,
space
Use synonyms
tourism
Use synonyms
 will be probably popular. Today, there are a lot of companies
give
Verb problem
that have
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opportunity
Add an article
the opportunity
an opportunity
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 to become a
space
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 tourist
such
Linking Words
 as
Space
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 X, Virgin Galactic and others. In my opinion, it is
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
development
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 but with clarification.
People
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 should not lose focus
for
Change preposition
on
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 some actual problems.
Firstly
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, the growth of technology progress makes
fly
Wrong verb form
flying
show examples
 cheaper and more comfortable. Nowadays, parts of a spaceship
Add a missing verb
are use
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use
Replace the word
used
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 again for
next
Correct article usage
the next
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 flights.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
creation
Correct article usage
the creation
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 of new spaceships became cheaper. The count of
space
Use synonyms
 tourists is increasing year by year. What is more,
space
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travels
Correct subject-verb agreement
travel
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comfortable
Add a missing verb
is comfortable
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 for untrained persons.
However
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, mostly of
space
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 tourists are billionaires now.
For instance
Linking Words
, businessman Richard Branson that one of
Use synonyms
space
Correct article usage
the space
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tourist
Fix the agreement mistake
tourists
show examples
. Probably,
such
Linking Words
 a pace of
development
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 technology gives
opportunity
Add an article
an opportunity
the opportunity
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 for all
people
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 to be
space
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 tourists.
Secondly
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,
space
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 flights give
opportunity
Add an article
the opportunity
an opportunity
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 to feel new emotions.
In many
Change preposition
Many
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 movies
were showed
Wrong verb form
show
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 the
space
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 and process of
space
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travels
Fix the agreement mistake
travel
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.
For example
Linking Words
, Christopher Nolan’s movie Interstellar.
In
Change preposition
This
show examples
this
Linking Words
 movie
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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showed
process
Add an article
the process
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 of
space
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 travel and many incredible views
such
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 as stars and dark
hole
Fix the agreement mistake
holes
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. I think a lot of
people
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 want to see these views
also
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.
In addition
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, men from ancient times want to research
space
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 and other planets.
To sum up
Linking Words
, from my point of view,
space
Use synonyms
tourism
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 is
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
development
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. It became popular
due to
Linking Words
Use synonyms
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of technology and research the
space
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.
However
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 should
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not focus mainly on
this
Linking Words
development
Use synonyms
 and remember
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
other challenges. I hope in
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
space
Use synonyms
tourism
Use synonyms
 be like usual
tourism
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such
Linking Words
 as
visits
Wrong verb form
visiting
show examples
 other countries for holidays.
Submitted by dulskywork on

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Task Response
Try to focus the essay more closely on the prompt about how new technologies have changed children's free time. The example of space tourism is interesting, but it diverges from the specific question about children and technology.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organize your ideas more clearly by using paragraph headings or clearer introductory sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to indicate the main idea or point you will discuss.
Task Achievement
Use specific examples to support your points more effectively. While mentioning space tourism and movies like Interstellar adds interest, try to relate your examples more directly to the question's focus.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to avoid repetition and keep the reader engaged. This will also help improve your essay's flow and readability.
Positive Highlight
Your enthusiasm for the topic of space and the potential of space tourism is clear and engages the reader.
Positive Highlight
You effectively use examples, such as Richard Branson and the movie Interstellar, to illustrate your points, though ensuring relevance to the prompt is crucial.
Positive Highlight
You conclude your essay with a strong statement that summarizes your viewpoint, showing you can effectively finalize your thoughts.
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