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Writing Samples /
Band 5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #trend
In the future,
space
tourism
 will be probably popular. Today, there are a lot of companies
give
Verb problem
that have
show examples
opportunity
Add an article
the opportunity
an opportunity
show examples
 to become a
space
 tourist
such
 as
Space
 X, Virgin Galactic and others. In my opinion, it is
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
development
 but with clarification.
People
 should not lose focus
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 some actual problems.
Firstly
, the growth of technology progress makes
fly
Wrong verb form
flying
show examples
 cheaper and more comfortable. Nowadays, parts of a spaceship
Add a missing verb
are use
show examples
use
Replace the word
used
show examples
 again for
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 flights.
Moreover
,
creation
Correct article usage
the creation
show examples
 of new spaceships became cheaper. The count of
space
 tourists is increasing year by year. What is more,
space
travels
Correct subject-verb agreement
travel
show examples
comfortable
Add a missing verb
is comfortable
show examples
 for untrained persons.
However
, mostly of
space
 tourists are billionaires now.
For instance
, businessman Richard Branson that one of
space
Correct article usage
the space
show examples
tourist
Fix the agreement mistake
tourists
show examples
. Probably,
such
 a pace of
development
 technology gives
opportunity
Add an article
an opportunity
the opportunity
show examples
 for all
people
 to be
space
 tourists.
Secondly
,
space
 flights give
opportunity
Add an article
the opportunity
an opportunity
show examples
 to feel new emotions.
In many
Change preposition
Many
show examples
 movies
were showed
Wrong verb form
show
show examples
 the
space
 and process of
space
travels
Fix the agreement mistake
travel
show examples
.
For example
, Christopher Nolan’s movie Interstellar.
In
Change preposition
This
show examples
this
 movie
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
showed
process
Add an article
the process
show examples
 of
space
 travel and many incredible views
such
 as stars and dark
hole
Fix the agreement mistake
holes
show examples
. I think a lot of
people
 want to see these views
also
.
In addition
, men from ancient times want to research
space
 and other planets.
To sum up
, from my point of view,
space
tourism
 is
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
development
. It became popular
due to
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of technology and research the
space
.
However
,
people
 should
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not focus mainly on
this
development
 and remember
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
other challenges. I hope in
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
space
tourism
 be like usual
tourism
such
 as
visits
Wrong verb form
visiting
show examples
 other countries for holidays.
Submitted by dulskywork on

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Task Response
Try to focus the essay more closely on the prompt about how new technologies have changed children's free time. The example of space tourism is interesting, but it diverges from the specific question about children and technology.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organize your ideas more clearly by using paragraph headings or clearer introductory sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to indicate the main idea or point you will discuss.
Task Achievement
Use specific examples to support your points more effectively. While mentioning space tourism and movies like Interstellar adds interest, try to relate your examples more directly to the question's focus.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to avoid repetition and keep the reader engaged. This will also help improve your essay's flow and readability.
Positive Highlight
Your enthusiasm for the topic of space and the potential of space tourism is clear and engages the reader.
Positive Highlight
You effectively use examples, such as Richard Branson and the movie Interstellar, to illustrate your points, though ensuring relevance to the prompt is crucial.
Positive Highlight
You conclude your essay with a strong statement that summarizes your viewpoint, showing you can effectively finalize your thoughts.

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