IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The bar chart below compares the percentage of time Australian mothers and fathers spent helping their children with four activities in 2013

The bar chart below compares the percentage of time Australian mothers and fathers spent helping their children with four activities in 2013
#bar #percentage #time #australian #mothers #fathers #children #four #activities
The bar chart compares the amount of
time
 that parents spent supporting their kids with four tasks in Australia in 2013.  
Overall
,
while
children
 spent most of
time
Correct pronoun usage
their time
show examples
 learning to dress and doing home tasks with their
mothers
, the amount of
time
 spent preparing for bed and playing games was the major
time
 of both parents. Regarding dressing,
children
 learned to dress 75% of the
time
 from their
mothers
, spent 2% of that
time
 with their
fathers
 and spent 23% of that
time
 with both of them.
Likewise
,
mothers
 assisted
doing
Change preposition
in doing
show examples
homeworks
Correct your spelling
homework
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their kids half of
their
Change the word
the
show examples
time
, almost 40% of that
time
 they spent together and in 10% of cases
fathers
 helped.
On the other hand
, parents spent 69% of
time
Correct pronoun usage
their time
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing games
together with
children
, 25% of that
time
 with only
mothers
 and the
last
 6% with
fathers
.
Moreover
, the
children
 learnt
preparing
Change the verb form
to prepare
show examples
 their bed 43% of
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
 from
mothers
Correct pronoun usage
their mothers
show examples
, 6% of
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
 from
fathers
Correct pronoun usage
their fathers
show examples
 and the
last
 51% of
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
time
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
spent together.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
▼
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words time, children, mothers, fathers with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "compares" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: