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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar chart below compares the percentage of time Australian mothers and fathers spent helping their children with four activities in 2013

The bar chart below compares the percentage of time Australian mothers and fathers spent helping their children with four activities in 2013
The bar chart compares the amount of
time
Use synonyms
 that parents spent supporting their kids with four tasks in Australia in 2013.  
Overall
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 spent most of
Use synonyms
time
Correct pronoun usage
their time
show examples
 learning to dress and doing home tasks with their
mothers
Use synonyms
, the amount of
time
Use synonyms
 spent preparing for bed and playing games was the major
time
Use synonyms
 of both parents. Regarding dressing,
children
Use synonyms
 learned to dress 75% of the
time
Use synonyms
 from their
mothers
Use synonyms
, spent 2% of that
time
Use synonyms
 with their
fathers
Use synonyms
 and spent 23% of that
time
Use synonyms
 with both of them.
Likewise
Linking Words
,
mothers
Use synonyms
 assisted
doing
Change preposition
in doing
show examples
homeworks
Correct your spelling
homework
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their kids half of
their
Change the word
the
show examples
time
Use synonyms
, almost 40% of that
time
Use synonyms
 they spent together and in 10% of cases
fathers
Use synonyms
 helped.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, parents spent 69% of
Use synonyms
time
Correct pronoun usage
their time
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing games
together with
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
, 25% of that
time
Use synonyms
 with only
mothers
Use synonyms
 and the
last
Linking Words
 6% with
fathers
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
children
Use synonyms
 learnt
preparing
Change the verb form
to prepare
show examples
 their bed 43% of
Use synonyms
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
 from
Use synonyms
mothers
Correct pronoun usage
their mothers
show examples
, 6% of
Use synonyms
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
 from
Use synonyms
fathers
Correct pronoun usage
their fathers
show examples
 and the
last
Linking Words
 51% of
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
time
Use synonyms
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
spent together.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time, children, mothers, fathers with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "compares" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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