Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?
In today's world, health is an essential aspect for everyone, especially
who
are working in offices and factories. Correct determiner usage
those who
People
are busy with their work
in the competitive world and tend to ignore the
healthy lifestyle habits. Correct article usage
apply
This
essay further
elaborates on the reasons of
neglecting a healthy way of living and the solutions which can be brought up to solve Change preposition
for
this
issue.
Firstly
, I will discuss about
why working Remove the preposition
apply
people
do not get enough exercise
. Employees always try to focus on their own work
and to
finish the job for the day. Once they get a small break, they get in touch with others and try to socialize Fix the infinitive
apply
while
having a smoke or alcohol etc. Furthermore
, nowadays people
get an unbearable workload from their employer
, and because of that Fix the agreement mistake
employers
reason
they are exhausted when they reach home. Add a comma
reason,
On the other hand
, they have more and more work
to do at home as well. Under these circumstances, people
try to stay in their comfort zone,
and do not get enough Remove the comma
apply
exercise
and
Correct word choice
apply
it
leads to health problems.
Probing ahead, I would like to elaborate on some suggestions for Correct pronoun usage
which
this
matter and how it will continue while
having work-life
balance. Add an article
a work-life
Moreover
, companies have a huge responsibility to look after their employees by giving break times within the shifts to engage in exercises. As solutions, we can implement strategies to encourage the staff members by providing gym membership, healthy diet plans, etc. Apart from that, providing healthy meals in the work
canteen and making it available for the employees is also
a good initiative.
To conclude
, in my point of view exercise
is an essential task to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Therefore
, I advise others to follow the above instructions and achieve a healthy lifestyle. The importance of exercise
and solutions
mentioned will lead to a logical conclusion.Correct article usage
the solutions
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Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, aim to include more specific examples to support your points. This could involve statistical data, case studies, or personal anecdotes that illustrate the impact of limited exercise on working people's health, and how your proposed solutions have been effective.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure a smoother transition between ideas with varied connecting phrases. Adding phrases like 'In addition to...' or 'Another point to consider is...' can help create a more seamless flow from one idea to the next.
Task Achievement
Consider expanding on your solutions by explaining how they can be effectively implemented in a work environment. Discuss potential challenges and ways to overcome them to provide a more in-depth analysis.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, emphasizing the importance of the issue and summarizing the key points effectively.
Identifying Key Issues
You successfully identify significant reasons why working people may not exercise enough, such as heavy workloads and a preference for socializing in their limited free time.
Logical Structure
The organization of your essay into sections dealing with causes and solutions makes it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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