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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the chart below compares the percentage of time Australian mothers and fathers spent helping their children with four activities in 2013

the chart below compares the percentage of time Australian mothers and fathers spent helping their children with four activities in 2013
The chart compares the
parents
Use synonyms
 in terms of how much
time
Use synonyms
 spent supporting their kids with 4 activities in 2013.
It is clear that
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
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children
Use synonyms
 spend much more
time
Use synonyms
 with their
mothers
Use synonyms
 than
Use synonyms
fathers
Correct pronoun usage
their fathers
show examples
.
Besides
Linking Words
, most of the
time
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
 were helped by both
parents
Use synonyms
 to do some activities. Obviously, women spent the most
time
Use synonyms
, approximately 75% of their
time
Use synonyms
, dressing kids, but men spent the least
time
Use synonyms
this
Linking Words
, nearly 3% of the
time
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
parents
Use synonyms
 spent more
time
Use synonyms
together with
Linking Words
 dressing
children
Use synonyms
 than
fathers
Use synonyms
, over 20% of the
time
Use synonyms
. Regarding playing games,
parents
Use synonyms
 spent the most
time
Use synonyms
 playing with
children
Use synonyms
, nearly 70% of the
time
Use synonyms
. Kids spent 25% of their
time
Use synonyms
 playing with their
mothers
Use synonyms
 and 5% of their
time
Use synonyms
 playing with their
fathers
Use synonyms
. The figure for homework,
children
Use synonyms
 spent slightly more
time
Use synonyms
 with their
mothers
Use synonyms
 than
fathers
Use synonyms
, around 50% of the
time
Use synonyms
 with
mothers
Use synonyms
 and 10% of the
time
Use synonyms
 with
fathers
Use synonyms
.
Besides
Linking Words
, the indicators of
mothers
Use synonyms
 and both
parents
Use synonyms
 were exactly the same. The figures for preparing beds were the same as those for homework,
fathers
Use synonyms
 spent 45% of the
time
Use synonyms
,
mothers
Use synonyms
 spent 8% of the
time
Use synonyms
 and they spent 55% of
Use synonyms
time
Correct pronoun usage
their time
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together with
Linking Words
 their
children
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "besides, together with".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words parents, time, children, mothers, fathers with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "compares" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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