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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that the best way to improve the general well-being of schoolchildren is to make physical education compulsory in all schools. Others, however, think this world have little effect on overall health and that other measures are needed. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #schoolchildren #education #schools #world #effect #health #measures
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Nowadays many people consider that physical
education
 will be necessary for schoolchildren because of the benefits to self-esteem and
also
this
 can have a significant positive impact on
children
. In my opinion, each
lessons
Change to a singular noun
lesson
show examples
has
Verb problem
is
show examples
 important for offspring
however
 physical
lessons
 can be more
benefical
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for their
health
.
However
, other groups suggest that other theoretical
lessons
 will be more effective. In my opinion, physical
lessons
 are as essential as another part of
education
 and
children
 must be aware of
this
.
To begin
 with, physical activities have a significant impact on
children
's mental
health
 and social skills.
Moreover
,
children
 can learn how to adapt to group teams and socialise with each other
also
 another advantage may be cognitive development
for instance
 problem-solving and critical thinking can be vital , especially for
children
. So, in
this
 way, offspring will be more productive in their field and
also
this
 has a fundamental positive effect
particularly
Add the comma(s)
, particularly
show examples
 on their mental
health
.
In addition
, despite the physical
education
also
 other
lessons
 have a critical effect on the little-aged groups.
For example
, they can learn theoretical thinking in maths and physics
lessons
.
Also
, some of them will be not interested in physical
education
 and forcing them to do physical activities will not be good for
children
's mental
health
for instance
 they will be more talented in mathematical areas. In conclusion, some people think physical learning will be compulsory in school;
on the other hand
, other parts of the group believe that other
lessons
 can be their priority. They can be beneficial for
children
's study
however
 forcing them can not be acceptable in the end.
Submitted by muge2k on

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Introduction
To enhance your score, consider strengthening the introduction by directly addressing the essay question and stating your opinion more clearly. This will provide a solid foundation for your discussion.
Content Depth
Although your essay presents both views, incorporating more detailed examples and evidence would bolster your arguments and show a deeper understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on creating clearer transitions between paragraphs to improve the flow of your essay. Using phrases that explicitly signal contrast or comparison can help.
Paragraph Development
Ensure all your ideas are fully developed. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea followed by specific examples or explanations.
Conclusion
Consider including a concluding paragraph that succinctly summarizes the main points of your essay and restates your opinion. This will provide a more satisfying closure to your argument.
Balance
Addressed both views on the importance of physical education and other academic disciplines.
Point Development
Acknowledged the importance of physical education for mental health and social skills, highlighting its multifaceted benefits.
Differentiation of perspective
Touched upon the need for a balanced educational curriculum that respects children's preferences and talents.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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