IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Lots of place in this world rely on tourism as a main source of income . Do this trend advantages of outweigh disadvantages?

#lots #place #world #tourism #source #income #trend
Currently, people have different views as to whether
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
Lots of places in the world depend on travellers as a main source of income. Despite the fact that relying too much on
tourism
 is the cause of many problems
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the local
area
, I believe that travelling from overseas can import a lot of
money
 and many benefits in each
area
. On the one hand, relying too much on
tourism
 makes
money
, there are some effects on these
areas
due to
 it not being sustainable and sometimes may have many issues.
For instance
, pollution, the worsening environment and the way of life disappear.
On the other hand
, the income of many countries
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to rely on importing
money
 from overseas.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that local people want to have economic growth in their
area
.
Moreover
, travelling will help to develop urbanisation and infrastructure because the place wants to respond to the satisfaction of tourists.
In addition
, the local
areas
 can express
interesting
Replace the word
interest
show examples
, identity and culture which create value and
earning
Correct your spelling
earnings
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 each
area
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
global
Change the word
globally
show examples
.
For instance
, every province in Japan can create special attractions and gimmicks in suburban
areas
.
As a result
, It can make a lot of
money
 and there are equal facilities
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 all
areas
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 Japan. In conclusion, not only income in many locations are imported by overseas
tourism
 but
also
 many advantages are created.
For example
, urban expansion, new facilities,
growing
Correct article usage
a growing
show examples
 economy, developing service jobs, the consumption of products and
coming
Correct article usage
the coming
show examples
 of technology. It is a benefit that follows
tourism
.
Submitted by name79sinlapa on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
You've structured your essay well, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. For even better coherence, try linking your ideas more smoothly with transitional phrases.
Task Achievement
Your essay successfully addresses the task, providing a balanced view with supporting examples. To aim higher, ensure that your arguments are not only clear but also deeply analyzed for a more critical perspective.
Introduction
Your introduction sets up the topic effectively, conveying your stance clearly from the beginning.
Use of Examples
You've utilized relevant examples to support your arguments, especially when discussing tourism's benefits in Japan, which makes your essay more convincing.
Conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your argument, reiterating the benefits of tourism and its impact on economic development and urban expansion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: