IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Nowadays more and more people are using cellphones and computers to communicate, so they are losing the ability to communicate with each other face to face. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

#people #cellphones #computers #ability #face
In
this
 modern world, it's irrefutable that most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 have electronic devices
such
 as
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
show examples
 and computers. These things could assist
people
 to communicate with less effort.
However
, technology may
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
benefits and drawbacks. Both of my
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
 of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
 will be outlined before reaching my opinion.
To begin
 with, many centuries ago
people
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
letter
Fix the agreement mistake
letters
show examples
 to communicate
each
Change preposition
with each
show examples
others
Change to a singular noun
other
show examples
. They should
waiting
Change the verb form
wait
be waiting
show examples
 for a long
time
 to get replied.
Thus
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
scientist developed
another methods
Replace the adjective
another method
other methods
show examples
 to communicate and
techology
Correct your spelling
technology
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
improved
time
 by
time
, even nowadays
people
use
search
Add an article
a search
show examples
engine
Fix the agreement mistake
engines
show examples
 like Google to concise their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 when they need complex
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
. For that reason, offline communication
reduced
Add a missing verb
was reduced
show examples
 significantly.
On the other hand
,
time
Change preposition
from time
show examples
 to
time
societies
Change noun form
societies'
society's
show examples
 behaviour
hit
Verb problem
is
show examples
 different owing to social media. Facebook, Instagram,
Twitter
Correct word choice
and Twitter
show examples
 can become more addictive for some
people
.
Socialize
Wrong verb form
Socialized
show examples
 abilities
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 decreased
time
 by
time
, and
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 worst case
people
 could become anti-social.
For instance
, some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
young
people
 prefer
use
Fix the infinitive
to use
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social media like
facebook
Capitalize word
Facebook
show examples
 or
instagram
Change the capitalization
Instagram
show examples
 to wish '
happy birthday
Correct your spelling
Happy Birthday
show examples
"to their colleagues
instead
 of
wish
Wrong verb form
wishing
show examples
 it directly.
In addition
, recently many
corporates
Replace the word
corporations
show examples
prefer
Wrong verb form
have preferred
show examples
 to
use
zoom
Capitalize word
Zoom
show examples
 for
meeting
Fix the agreement mistake
meetings
show examples
 rather than directly.
It's
Unnecessary verb
It
show examples
 looks like they avoid
to attend
Change the verb form
attending
show examples
 real
conversation
Fix the agreement mistake
conversations
show examples
 and try to be
silence
Replace the word
silent
show examples
. But,
honestly
Add a comma
honestly,
show examples
it's depend
Change the verb form
it depends
show examples
 on personal choices.
Moreover
, electronic devices could impact
negatives
Change the noun form
negative
show examples
 things. First of all,
people
 will get some health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 like
eye's
Change noun form
eye
show examples
radiations
Fix the agreement mistake
radiation
show examples
,
reduced
Correct word choice
and reduced
show examples
 listening ability,
even
Correct word choice
and even
show examples
 the worst case
people
 could get insomnia
due to
 social media addiction.
Thus
,
meet
Wrong verb form
meeting
show examples
 face to face may decrease many drawbacks. In conclusion,
electronics
Replace the word
electronic
show examples
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
 may make communication easier,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
people
 should consider to
involve
Wrong verb form
involved
show examples
 in real
face
Correct your spelling
face-to-face
show examples
 communication to improve their
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 with others.
Submitted by patricius.yohanes on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Ensure clear paragraph structure; each should have a single main idea followed by explanations or examples.
cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words to connect ideas more smoothly.
accuracy
Revise small grammar and spelling errors, e.g., 'people use letter' to 'people used letters', 'techology has been improved' to 'technology has been improved', and 'eye's radiations' to 'eye radiation'.
task response
Work on developing clearer, more direct answers to the prompt in your introduction and conclusion to make your stance readily apparent.
example
Effective use of real-world examples to support arguments.
vocabulary
Good range of vocabulary to discuss technological advancements and societal changes.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: