IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Nowadays more and more people are using cellphones and computers to communicate, so they are losing the ability to communicate with each other face to face. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

#people #cellphones #computers #ability #face
In
this
 modern world, it's irrefutable that most
of
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apply
show examples
people
 have electronic devices
such
 as
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
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 and computers. These things could assist
people
 to communicate with less effort.
However
, technology may
has
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have
show examples
any
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apply
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benefits and drawbacks. Both of my
point
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points
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 of
views
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view
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 will be outlined before reaching my opinion.
To begin
 with, many centuries ago
people
use
Wrong verb form
used
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letter
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letters
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 to communicate
each
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with each
show examples
others
Change to a singular noun
other
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. They should
waiting
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wait
be waiting
show examples
 for a long
time
 to get replied.
Thus
,
the
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apply
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scientist developed
another methods
Replace the adjective
another method
other methods
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 to communicate and
techology
Correct your spelling
technology
 has
been
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apply
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improved
time
 by
time
, even nowadays
people
use
search
Add an article
a search
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engine
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engines
show examples
 like Google to concise their
times
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time
show examples
 when they need complex
informations
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information
pieces of information
show examples
. For that reason, offline communication
reduced
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was reduced
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 significantly.
On the other hand
,
time
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from time
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 to
time
societies
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societies'
society's
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 behaviour
hit
Verb problem
is
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 different owing to social media. Facebook, Instagram,
Twitter
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and Twitter
show examples
 can become more addictive for some
people
.
Socialize
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Socialized
show examples
 abilities
is
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are
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 decreased
time
 by
time
, and
the
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in the
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 worst case
people
 could become anti-social.
For instance
, some
of
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apply
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young
people
 prefer
use
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to use
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a
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apply
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social media like
facebook
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Facebook
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 or
instagram
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Instagram
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 to wish '
happy birthday
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Happy Birthday
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"to their colleagues
instead
 of
wish
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wishing
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 it directly.
In addition
, recently many
corporates
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corporations
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prefer
Wrong verb form
have preferred
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 to
use
zoom
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Zoom
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 for
meeting
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meetings
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 rather than directly.
It's
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It
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 looks like they avoid
to attend
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attending
show examples
 real
conversation
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conversations
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 and try to be
silence
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silent
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. But,
honestly
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honestly,
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it's depend
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it depends
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 on personal choices.
Moreover
, electronic devices could impact
negatives
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negative
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 things. First of all,
people
 will get some health
problem
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problems
show examples
 like
eye's
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eye
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radiations
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radiation
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,
reduced
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and reduced
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 listening ability,
even
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and even
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 the worst case
people
 could get insomnia
due to
 social media addiction.
Thus
,
meet
Wrong verb form
meeting
show examples
 face to face may decrease many drawbacks. In conclusion,
electronics
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electronic
show examples
device
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devices
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 may make communication easier,
however
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however,
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people
 should consider to
involve
Wrong verb form
involved
show examples
 in real
face
Correct your spelling
face-to-face
show examples
 communication to improve their
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 with others.
Submitted by patricius.yohanes on

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structure
Ensure clear paragraph structure; each should have a single main idea followed by explanations or examples.
cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words to connect ideas more smoothly.
accuracy
Revise small grammar and spelling errors, e.g., 'people use letter' to 'people used letters', 'techology has been improved' to 'technology has been improved', and 'eye's radiations' to 'eye radiation'.
task response
Work on developing clearer, more direct answers to the prompt in your introduction and conclusion to make your stance readily apparent.
example
Effective use of real-world examples to support arguments.
vocabulary
Good range of vocabulary to discuss technological advancements and societal changes.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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