IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

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With the advancements
of
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in
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 technology, schools
from
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in
show examples
 many places have to face many challenges and
most
Correct article usage
the most
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 difficult one would be changing
Use synonyms
manners
Correct article usage
the manners
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 of the
students
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. There are many reasons behind
this
Linking Words
 but
the
Correct article usage
apply
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family
problems
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 affecting the
children
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's behaviour
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 the common
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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.
This
Linking Words
 can be overcome by not
giving
Verb problem
putting
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 pressure
to
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on
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 them but
explaining
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by explaining
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 the consequences of the bad behaviours. First of all,
children
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's every good or bad
things
Change to a singular noun
thing
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 comes from home. If the family gives love and care to the
children
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 and there are
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
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 fights among adults, there would be
low
Add an article
a low
the low
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 chance for the kids to gain bad
manners
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.
In contrast
Linking Words
, if the child has to see
problems
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 in the family
everyday
Replace the word
every day
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, they will surely find a place where they can be
stress free
Add a hyphen
stress-free
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, like going to a game station or staying outside of the house.
This
Linking Words
 can lead to unexpected and unwanted results like angry
children
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. Other causes might be their friend circle
where
Correct word choice
which
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 parents couldn't give attention to
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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because of their own
problems
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.
For instance
Linking Words
,
children
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 of divorced parents are said to have more emotional
problems
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 than anyone else and it can be seen in their behaviours.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
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this
Change the determiner
these
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 results are mainly seen in schools where they have to spend most of their time. The responsibility to change these
manners
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 of the
students
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 comes to their teachers. And they should handle
this
Linking Words
 problem wisely because these
students
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 are already facing
problems
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 and trying to change them
with
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in
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 a strict way is not a good idea. It would be helpful if they
try
Wrong verb form
tried
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 to solve the
Use synonyms
students
Change to a genitive case
student's
students'
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 unresolved questions and
by explaining
Wrong verb form
explain
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 the consequences of the bad behaviours which will affect
on
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apply
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them. Of course,
this
Linking Words
 problem cannot be solved by the teachers only, parental involvement is
also
Linking Words
 necessary. To illustrate, there
seems
Verb problem
does
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 not much
changes
Fix the agreement mistake
change
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 in
children
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 who are kept under the discipline of laws in child's rehabilitation centres.
To conclude
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,
Use synonyms
manners
Correct article usage
the manners
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 of the
children
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 are mainly a result of the family and the schools are the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who have to face the consequences.
While
Linking Words
 the important cause seems to be from the family, handling them with care is crucial before any unwanted falses
happened
Wrong verb form
happen
show examples
.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clearly identifiable introduction and conclusion which effectively outlines your views, contributing to a logical structure. However, expanding on your supporting examples with more detailed evidence could further strengthen your argument and make your ideas even clearer.
coherence cohesion
The essay showcases a generally clear progression of ideas and adequate use of paragraphing. To enhance the coherence and cohesion, consider varying your sentence structures and using more linking words to connect ideas more smoothly. This helps in creating a more coherent flow and reinforcing the logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
You've effectively identified a relevant cause and provided a thoughtful solution to the problem of student behavior, demonstrating a good understanding of the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a cohesive structure with a clear distinction between paragraphs. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct idea, which aids in the reader's comprehension.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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