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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The graphs below show unemployment rates and average earnings according to level of education.

The graphs below show unemployment rates and average earnings according to level of education.
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The bar charts compare the unemployment rate and the average weekly income of different levels of education.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 the figure for
people
Use synonyms
 who had high school diplomas had a high unemployment rate.
In addition
Linking Words
, the salary of
people
Use synonyms
 who had
graduate
Use synonyms
 degrees was higher than other certificate
holders
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. Around 5.5% of
people
Use synonyms
 with high school diplomas were unemployed,
whereas
Linking Words
 only 1.2% who had a
graduate
Use synonyms
degree
Use synonyms
 could not find jobs. About 4.2% of the population who studied in some college were unoccupied,
while
Linking Words
 only approximately 2.5% of college
degree
Use synonyms
holders
Use synonyms
 were out of work.
Graduate
Use synonyms
degree
Use synonyms
holders
Use synonyms
 had the highest salary, at about $1,500 per week.
People
Use synonyms
 who finished their studies with a college
degree
Use synonyms
 had nearly $1,100 income per week
while
Linking Words
 person only studied in some colleges were around $425 per week lower
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
. It is noticeable that only had a high school diploma had the lowest income and was $900 less than the
graduate
Use synonyms
degree
Use synonyms
holders
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, graduate, holders, degree with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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