You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic. It is observed that, currently, more and more people are working longer hours. What are the causes of this phenomenon? What effects does this have on society? Write at least 250 words.
We can see that
people
are tending to work
a lot
more than before. Why is this
happening? What will happen in society
because of this
.
Change the punctuation
?
This
phenomenon is because today's people
value money
a lot
more than anything. Consequently
, they spend all the time they have working so they can earn as much money
as they can. Furthermore
, in society
we will have families without a father to support them and most Add a comma
society,
people
are going to have poor mental health because of work
.
Overworking is a big problem
in the
Correct article usage
apply
society
, it makes families be
separated and Unnecessary verb
apply
people
be
stressed and overwhelmed. Unnecessary verb
apply
As a result
, we end up with a less functional society
and a lot
of unhappy people
. Secondly
, the problem
is caused by the idea of the value of the
Correct article usage
apply
money
and the idea of success, which only see successful people
as rich people
. Therefore
, everyone is so focused on earning money
and
they forget to focus on other things. Correct word choice
that
Such
as,
mental health and family. Remove the comma
apply
Nonetheless
, there are many ways to solve it. For instance
, we can offer help to people
by talking to them and telling them what's really important. Also
, making advertisements that give people
comfort with what they have can help their mental health.
People
in society
are now being really affected by the long periods of work
, they can be really tired and have no motivation for doing
anything else because of Change preposition
to do
this
problem
. For example
, when a man gets to his home after eight or more hours of working, he just wants to sleep. As a result
, he has no time to do anything else like being with his family or developing a hobby. Moreover
, the law should be really strict about long periods of work
, by not letting people
work
more than 8 hours. Therefore
, people
will be able to do what they want and be with their family
.
In conclusion, long Fix the agreement mistake
families
work
periods are caused mainly by a culture of seeing money
as the most important thing, and people
who think that working a lot
is the only way to be successful. Also
, this
problem
makes people
be
less healthy in their Unnecessary verb
apply
mind
and have no time for their family or hobbies, which causes a less functional Fix the agreement mistake
minds
society
. Lastly
, this
problem
has a lot
of solutions and it isn't an unsolvable problem
, people
just need to learn that there are more important thing
than Fix the agreement mistake
things
money
.Submitted by patriciareyesfiguero on
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Task Achievement
Focus on developing a more structured introduction that clearly outlines the causes and effects you plan to discuss. This will provide a roadmap for your reader and improve clarity.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures to make your writing more engaging and to demonstrate your linguistic range. This will enhance the flow and overall coherence of your essay.
Task Achievement
Include specific examples and data to support your points. This will strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive and informative.
Coherence & Cohesion
Review paragraph organization to ensure that each one focuses on a single main idea, supported by detailed examples or explanations. This will improve the essay's coherence and make your arguments more convincing.
Task Achievement
Your essay engages with the topic at hand and makes an effort to address both causes and effects, which is commendable.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarises your essay's main points, reinforcing the impact of your arguments on the reader.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example