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Writing Samples
Band 7

Take a look at the graphic and complete the task. The graph shows the obesity rate in one country over a period of time.

Take a look at the graphic and complete the task. The graph shows the obesity rate in one country over a period of time.
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The line graph shows the
obesity
Use synonyms
 rate (by age) of one country between 1971-2005.
Overall
Linking Words
, adults between the ages of 45-64 were the most obese and 18-29-year-olds were the least,
rates
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 among the other age groups
lied
Replace the word
lay
show examples
 somewhere in between. All ages experienced a drastic increase in
obesity
Use synonyms
rates
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 between 1976 and 1999. Between 1971 and 1976,
obesity
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 was fairly uncommon among all age groups, with
rates
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 ranging from about 8% to 18%.
However
Linking Words
, by 1999 the
prevelance
Correct your spelling
prevalence
 of
obesity
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 among 18-29-year-old adults rose up to 20%.
After
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 period
obesity
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rates
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 among these young adults remained fairly stable, ending at 25% in 2005. With regards to, the prevalence of
obesity
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 among 30-44-year-olds, it rose from 15 to 30%, after which the rise slowed down and by the end of the period a little over 35% of them were obese. With respect
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to the percentage of obese people among 45-64-year-olds, by the end of 1999 over 35% of them were obese and by 2005 the number rose to 40%.
Obesity
Use synonyms
rates
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 among 65-74-year-olds shared a similar figure,
however
Linking Words
 by the end of the period only 35% were classified as obese.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words obesity, rates with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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