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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that children should spend all their free time with their families. Others believe that this is unnecessary or even negative. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. agree = maintain, own traditions disagree = cultures, problem sosializing

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Many parents want their
children
Use synonyms
 to spend all their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 with them,
while
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 say
that is
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 wrong and will lead to many demerits. In
this
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 report, I will go through both sides and
then
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 allow
my
Correct pronoun usage
you
show examples
 to share my point of view. Consuming
time
Use synonyms
 with relatives is joyful, helpful, and protective;
as a consequence
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, some families demand the
youngers
Correct your spelling
youngsters
show examples
 to spend
time
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 with them only. Spending
time
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 with family helps
maintaining
Wrong verb form
maintain
show examples
 the child's beliefs and traditions. For
furher
Correct your spelling
further
 explanation, a study captured that on the one hand, when
children
Use synonyms
 spend
time
Use synonyms
 with their ancestors, they learn a lot about their own culture;
on the other hand
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,
socilazing
Correct your spelling
socializing
 with strangers leads to losing the ties between the child and his background culture.
Additionally
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,
this
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 helps
protecting
Wrong verb form
protect
show examples
youngers
Correct your spelling
youngsters
show examples
 from bad
people
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.
For example
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, a lot of mothers acknowledged that their
childrens'
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 friends dramatically affect their decisions, style, and opinions, so they prevent them
spending
Change preposition
from spending
show examples
 their free
time
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 with any stranger, even if they want to.
Although
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 the points mentioned above are strong, there are adverse points that hold equal strength.
Firstly
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, it is important to learn about different cultures. To explain that, many reports
illustrated
Wrong verb form
illustrate
show examples
 that learning a variety of customs is helpful and joyful;
however
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, to learn others' customs accurately,
people
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 should spend their free
time
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 with strangers.
Secondly
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, spending leisure
time
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 with
limited
Change the article
a limited
the limited
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 number of
people
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 will
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to psychological issues in the future. Some articles said that if
children
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 do not use to make relationships during their childhood, they will not be able to do that during their adulthood.
Besides
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 that, a lot of adults said that it is extremely hard for them to communicate with others because they did not spend
time
Use synonyms
 with strangers when they were
children
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
Although
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consuming
Verb problem
spending
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 with relatives is useful, cheerful, and safer, communicating with others is more beneficial, attractive, and interesting.
As a result
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, I believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should make strong bonds
out of
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
.

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Introduction
Ensure your introduction provides a clear overview of what will be discussed, offering a hint to your personal stance.
Evidence
Enhance your essay by providing more specific examples and studies to support your arguments, making your claims more convincing.
Coherence
Work on varying your sentence structures and transitions to enhance coherence and readability.
Grammar
Be cautious with spelling and grammar to maintain the clarity of your arguments.
Task Achievement
Your essay effectively discusses both viewpoints and provides a clear personal opinion, which is fundamental for Task Achievement.
Coherence & Cohesion
You have a clear organizational structure with distinct paragraphs for each viewpoint and a separate conclusion, aiding the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.
Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the essay, neatly encapsulating both views and reiterating your own opinion, contributing to a strong task achievement.
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