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Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
People’s opinions differ as to whether or not some kids nowadays use plenty of hours to communicate with their smart devices. From my perspective,
although
this
 trend has some benefits for
children
, I think the negative side is even more dangerous. The main positive development of
this
 issue is that
children
 can relax their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 without their parents. In our modern society, dad and mom usually find it really hard to have
time
 and play with their kids, because they spend their
time
 working. But with a device, they can easily take care of their
children
 without noticeable,
anxious
Replace the word
anxiety
show examples
 about that anymore.
For example
,
instead
 of taking their
children
 out to play and consuming a lot of
time
, they can even play at home and contact their
smartphones
. It's really comfortable and
smartphones
 can help youngsters to play anything that they want, watch any videos that they like or even message with their friends without a conversation in real life. Despite the beneficial effects, I believe that the consequences of letting
children
 spend too much
time
 on their
smartphones
 are much greater. First of all, using all the
time
 on devices may cause
children
 to have physical
health
 problems.
This
 will make their eyes become worse, the screen from
smartphones
 has a negative brightness,
when
Correct word choice
and when
show examples
 used too much can make a kid become blind. But
children
 don't know about
this
 consequence, they just take their
time
 to play games and watch videos day by day, repeat and repeat, sitting in a place too much and
don’t
Verb problem
not
show examples
go
Wrong verb form
going
show examples
 out
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 contact with the sunlight will affect their eyes. The realistic example we can see is that every
youngsters
Change to a singular noun
youngster
show examples
, for just about 3 years old,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
may start to wear glasses, and their eyes become smaller. Sitting in a place too much
also
 affects their physical
health
such
 as obesity, high blood pressure or even stroke, because of not exercising for a long
time
. Not only about their physical
health
 problems
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 about their mental
health
too
Rephrase
apply
show examples
, using their tablets or
smartphones
make
Wrong verb form
makes
show examples
 them stop communicating with other people
such
 as their parents,
friends
Correct word choice
and friends
show examples
. It can make them become more angry, stubborn, shy
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
immature, or even pessimistic because devices can not educate them
how
Change preposition
on how
show examples
 to control their emotions. Using
smartphones
 too much can cause them to lack skills, they will not know anything about the outside world.
To conclude
,
while
 I recognize the positive developments of
smartphones
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
, I consider
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 to
be
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a negative effect on youngsters.
Submitted by weezel on

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Structure
Ensure each paragraph is well-organized and focused on a single main idea. Use topic sentences effectively to introduce the main idea of each paragraph.
Sentence Variety
Integrate more varied and complex sentence structures to enhance the coherence of your ideas. Experiment with different conjunctions and transitional phrases.
Depth of Argument
While your essay addresses the task well, aim for a deeper exploration of ideas with more nuanced arguments. Adding more detailed examples or citing specific studies can enrich your discussion.
Balance in Argument
Pay attention to the balance between positive and negative developments in your argument. Make sure that each side is thoroughly explored to maintain an objective tone.
Introduction & Conclusion
Effective introduction and conclusion that clearly state your position.
Examples
Good use of examples to support your points, though further detail could strengthen your argument.
Structure
A coherent structure that aids in the clear presentation of your ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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