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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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People’s opinions differ as to whether or not some kids nowadays use plenty of hours to communicate with their smart devices. From my perspective,
although
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this
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 trend has some benefits for
children
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, I think the negative side is even more dangerous. The main positive development of
this
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 issue is that
children
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 can relax their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
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 without their parents. In our modern society, dad and mom usually find it really hard to have
time
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 and play with their kids, because they spend their
time
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 working. But with a device, they can easily take care of their
children
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 without noticeable,
anxious
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anxiety
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 about that anymore.
For example
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,
instead
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 of taking their
children
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 out to play and consuming a lot of
time
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, they can even play at home and contact their
smartphones
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. It's really comfortable and
smartphones
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 can help youngsters to play anything that they want, watch any videos that they like or even message with their friends without a conversation in real life. Despite the beneficial effects, I believe that the consequences of letting
children
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 spend too much
time
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 on their
smartphones
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 are much greater. First of all, using all the
time
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 on devices may cause
children
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 to have physical
health
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 problems.
This
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 will make their eyes become worse, the screen from
smartphones
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 has a negative brightness,
when
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and when
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 used too much can make a kid become blind. But
children
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 don't know about
this
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 consequence, they just take their
time
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 to play games and watch videos day by day, repeat and repeat, sitting in a place too much and
don’t
Verb problem
not
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go
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going
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 out
to
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in
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 contact with the sunlight will affect their eyes. The realistic example we can see is that every
youngsters
Change to a singular noun
youngster
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, for just about 3 years old,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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may start to wear glasses, and their eyes become smaller. Sitting in a place too much
also
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 affects their physical
health
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such
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 as obesity, high blood pressure or even stroke, because of not exercising for a long
time
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. Not only about their physical
health
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 problems
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 about their mental
health
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too
Rephrase
apply
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, using their tablets or
smartphones
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make
Wrong verb form
makes
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 them stop communicating with other people
such
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 as their parents,
friends
Correct word choice
and friends
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. It can make them become more angry, stubborn, shy
and
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apply
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immature, or even pessimistic because devices can not educate them
how
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on how
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 to control their emotions. Using
smartphones
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 too much can cause them to lack skills, they will not know anything about the outside world.
To conclude
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,
while
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 I recognize the positive developments of
smartphones
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to
Change preposition
for
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children
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, I consider
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 to
be
Verb problem
have
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 a negative effect on youngsters.
Submitted by weezel on

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Structure
Ensure each paragraph is well-organized and focused on a single main idea. Use topic sentences effectively to introduce the main idea of each paragraph.
Sentence Variety
Integrate more varied and complex sentence structures to enhance the coherence of your ideas. Experiment with different conjunctions and transitional phrases.
Depth of Argument
While your essay addresses the task well, aim for a deeper exploration of ideas with more nuanced arguments. Adding more detailed examples or citing specific studies can enrich your discussion.
Balance in Argument
Pay attention to the balance between positive and negative developments in your argument. Make sure that each side is thoroughly explored to maintain an objective tone.
Introduction & Conclusion
Effective introduction and conclusion that clearly state your position.
Examples
Good use of examples to support your points, though further detail could strengthen your argument.
Structure
A coherent structure that aids in the clear presentation of your ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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