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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Children of different ages and countries play computer games these days. Parents think these computer games have little educational value and have harmful effects on children. What is your opinion?

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Nowadays,
computer
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games
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 are played by
children
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 from various ages and countries.
While
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 some
parents
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 believe that it has positive sides, I stand with those who think that
computer
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games
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 bring much more negative impacts to
children
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. On the one hand,
computer
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games
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 have some benefits for
children
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.
First,
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children
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 can spend their leisure
time
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 playing
games
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 on a
computer
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,
thus
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 it can reduce their stress levels.
Although
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 they are young and some people may think they do not have stress levels as high as adults,
children
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 still can feel stress since they may have a lot of homework from school.
Secondly
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, playing
games
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 on a
computer
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 actually may drive
children
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 to learn about collaboration as usually, the
games
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 require good teamwork with other players so that they can win the
games
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.
On the other hand
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,
games
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 on computers can pose more drawbacks for
children
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. First and foremost,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
games
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 can make an addiction and
thus
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children
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 can not control how much
time
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 they have to spend.
For instance
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, during the weekends when there is no school or other schedules, they can play
games
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 all day long, and
that is
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 totally bad for their health. Playing
computer
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games
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 for a long
time
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 can raise eye irritation which is harmful since they are still young.
Moreover
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, if they get addicted to
computer
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games
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, they can grow individually and become a less social person. In conclusion,
although
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computer
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games
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 still have positive effects, I believe
it
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they
show examples
 have more negative effects on
children
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.
Computer
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games
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 can make
children
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 become addicted and later on, influence their health
as well as
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 their social skills.
Therefore
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, I suppose
parents
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 to go side by side with their
children
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while
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 playing
games
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.
Parents
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 can make some rules if their child wants to play,
such
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 as playing days,
time
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 duration, or even the type of
games
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children
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 can play.
Children
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 of different ages and countries play
computer
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games
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 these days.
Parents
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 think these
computer
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games
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 have little educational value and have harmful effects on
children
Use synonyms
. What is your opinion?

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Task Achievement
Consider adding more specific examples to support your arguments, particularly when discussing the negative impacts of computer games on children. While general statements are made, the essay could be strengthened by including concrete examples or referencing studies/research.
Coherence & Cohesion
To further improve coherence and cohesion, try to ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs. Phrases that signal contrasts or concessions ('However,', 'Despite this,') can make your argument more fluid and easier to follow.
Coherence & Cohesion
Review and vary your sentence structures for added complexity and to avoid repetition. While your essay demonstrates a good range, more diversity in sentence construction could enhance readability and engagement.
Coherence & Cohesion
You effectively introduced and concluded your essay, clearly stating your opinion and summarizing your main points in the conclusion.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view by discussing both the benefits and drawbacks of children playing computer games, which meets the task requirement effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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