IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

more and more adults are playing computer games. why is this happening? it is a positive or negative trend?

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Nowadays, more and more
people
Use synonyms
 are into online
games
Use synonyms
, and it has become pervasive in recent societies. The primary reason for
this
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 is an enormous number of online advertisements that attract
people
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 to encourage adults to play
games
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. I feel
this
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 has several negative impacts on them.
This
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 essay will explain the reasons behind
of
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apply
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these opinions and provide examples.
To begin
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 with, the most viral cause of many individuals playing online
games
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 is
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 influence
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 online advertisements.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
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 of individuals spend time sitting at a computer these days and
attracting
Verb problem
apply
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online game advertisements often come up on their screens.
For example
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, I use an app for my English studies. Every time I open the app, various online game promotions pop up on my screen and these force me to watch the whole
add
Correct your spelling
ad
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. I even
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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tempted and
purchased
Wrong verb form
purchase
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 a puzzle game once, and ended up being addicted to it for a
while
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. Some
people
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 might enjoy them,
however
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, I believe that it has negative aspects to our lives.
Firstly
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, internet
games
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 are often very addictive, resulting in
people
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 to less interaction with others. Another undesirable outcome is health detriments. Long hours of sitting at a computer can lead to neck pain and vision impairment.
For instance
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, a study revealed that 70% of chronic pain is caused by prolonged sitting and staring at a screen, which increases
in
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apply
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the number of office workers. In conclusion, more adults are addicted to
play
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playing
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 online
games
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 because online promotion has become more tempting in recent years. in my opinion,
this
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 leads to some risks in individuals’ health and socialisation with others.

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Task Achievement
Try to provide a more balanced view on the topic by discussing both positive and negative aspects equally, if the question requires it.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure to proofread your essay for minor grammatical errors and improve the variation in your sentence structures for a higher score.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance your essay, consider adding more detailed examples and consequences of the mentioned negative impacts, which will strengthen your arguments.
Task Achievement
You've successfully conveyed your opinion and provided a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively addressing the task requirements.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay maintains a good logical flow and coherence throughout, making it easy for the reader to follow your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • immersive
  • stress relief
  • multiplayer games
  • online communities
  • cognitive challenges
  • mental stimulation
  • e-sports
  • socially acceptable
  • prestigious
  • purchasing power
  • sophisticated games
  • escapism
  • accessible
  • advertisements
  • adult demographics
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