Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Nowadays, there are many different kinds of activities for
children
to spend their leisure time. Some people assert that children
must attend group activities based on their carers' encouragement if they have free time whereas
many others argue that the best thing is for children
to let them learn everything on their own. Personally, I am in favour of the first view.
Convincing arguments can be made that all kids
are the same as white pages nothing is written on them because they try to learn everything very start of the beginning
. Correct word choice
very beginning
That is
the reason why parents
have to help find the correct ways for their children
. Moreover
, if nobody cares what a child
does, there would not be motivation for the child
. For example
, parents
' motivation increases when the child
is going to chooses what kind of profession. There is a 50 per cent chance for the child
to choose the same profession as their parents
based on research results from MAC university
in 2023.
Capitalize word
University
On the other hand
, the parents
could not help the children
for long enough. One day, they will make decisions on their own. If they really do not have enough experience to choose the correct one, the kids
make mistakes. To prevent doing that, some parents
start practising when the kids
are younger. For instance
, Aussie kids
start choosing their clothes when they are 3 years old according to
BBC News radio.
In conclusion, I could concede there are several benefits when parents
let their kids
do everything on their own. Despite that, parents
' encouragement certainly gives more benefits than any other way. Overall
, I am convinced that parents
must be encouraged to find the correct ways.Submitted by enkhbat0923 on
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Task Achievement
Although your essay demonstrates a clear position and reasoning, try to include a broader range of ideas and examples to fully address the prompts. Expand on the argument by presenting more diverse viewpoints before presenting your own opinion.
Task Achievement
Work on presenting counterarguments more clearly. This will enrich your discussion and provide a more balanced view, strengthening your own argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure your essay maintains clear and logical organization throughout. Use paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas and arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve cohesion, make better use of linking words and phrases. This helps guide the reader smoothly from one idea to the next.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion.
Task Achievement
Providing specific examples, like the study from MAC university and the practice among Aussie kids, is a good strategy to support your arguments.
Task Achievement
You've maintained a clear position throughout the essay, which is crucial for task response.
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