IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar; which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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It is true that food and
drink
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 with high levels of
sugar
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 can lead to many health issues. Some
people
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 argue that the prices of these
products
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 should be regulated to be even higher than they currently are in order to let
people
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 have a healthier consumption. In my opinion,
however
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, I completely disagree with
this
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 argument, and I think there are various ways can tackle the problem. On the one hand, I believe that sugary
products
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 should not be made more expensive for two main reasons.
Firstly
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, most
people
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 have their own sense of consumption, which means that they have their own habits about what they eat and
drink
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.
Therefore
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, making prices more expensive will not have any impact on their consumption.
Secondly
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, many
people
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 might not be aware that they are having sugary
products
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. The rising costs to buy these
products
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 will only make
people
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 feel that inflation has become more and more severe recently,
thus
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 causing a negative outcome.
On the other hand
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, there are more effective ways to discourage
people
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 from consuming high-
sugar
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products
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.
For instance
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, manufacturers should have a clear disclosure of ingredients in their
products
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 on the labels.
People
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 will consume less
sugar
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 if they witness that the food or
drink
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 they have contains
such
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 high amounts of
sugar
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. But I think the most pragmatic approach is that food and
drink
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 companies should aim at producing fewer
products
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 with high levels of
sugar
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. In conclusion, I believe more expensive prices will not discourage
people
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 from sugary
products
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, and there are more practical means to address
this
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 problem.
Submitted by arthur752102 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Try to introduce more varied sentence structures to enhance the complexity and fluency of your writing.
Task Achievement
Providing specific examples or data could strengthen your argument and make your case more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, contributing to its easy readability and understanding.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your use of linking words to connect ideas across paragraphs is effective, enhancing the logical flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
You clearly addressed the prompt, demonstrating a complete understanding of the task requirements.
Task Achievement
You developed and supported your main points effectively, showing a comprehensive grasp of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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