IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic. Music play an important role in society, others think it is simply a form of entertainment for individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#minutes #topic #music #role #society #form #entertainment #individuals
Every culture has its own art. There is no denying the fact that
Music
 has changed over time. There is a commonly held belief that
Music
 is beneficially impact our society. There is
also
 an argument that
music
 is only for happiness and enjoyment. That essay will analyze both points of view and express my opinion. On
one
 hand, life is changing which, made us see new categories like technology, video games and
music
 influence our cultures and social views.
In other words
, nowadays
music
 is
one
 of the most vital arts in the world. Which, made every county want to take the lead in that category.
In addition
, today, every country has invested a plethora of money in arts to represent its culture and beliefs.
According to
 a website in the USA, an immense fund has gone to the art category in 2022.
On the other hand
, a lot of people claim that
music
 is only for entertainment, they feel that it is crucial to concentrate on other categories. It is
also
 possible to say that,
music
 should not linked to the cultures or the particular reason for the circumstances they thought.
For example
one
 of their beliefs is that
music
 is not formal which, makes it more enjoyable and gives them the chance to play it at any time. In conclusion, despite people having different points of view.
Music
 is
one
 of the most significant categories nowadays. Others,
however
, are not formal enough to represent cultures. From my perspective, I believe that
music
 is for entertainment
Submitted by abdullmajeedsugati on

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structure
Work on providing a clearer structure to your essay. Introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion should be distinct and flow smoothly from one to the next.
detail
Develop your points more thoroughly. Both views should be explained in more detail, providing more elaborate examples and reasoning to support your arguments.
conclusion
Ensure your conclusion succinctly summarizes the discussion and clearly states your opinion. While you mentioned your viewpoint, reinforcing it with a summary of your reasoning could be more persuasive.
topic
You've successfully tackled both viewpoints on music's role in society, showing an understanding of the topic.
evidence
Using an example, even if hypothetical, shows an attempt to support your arguments with evidence. Try to use more specific and real examples if possible.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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