IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some individuals are of the opinion that it is
due to
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 the pressure which the young generation suffers, non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 should be reduced from schools so that they could focus on academic
study
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 more efficiently. From my standpoint,
this
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 statement is agreeable because of many underlying grounds, and
this
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 essay will expound upon its reasons
as well as
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 provide practical examples. It is undeniable that a comfortable timetable brings numerous advantages. Specifically, when students can spend all their time
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 an academic learning program without facing the challenge of a hectic schedule of mixed
subjects
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 concluding academic
study
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 and non-academic
study
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, they could gain better results in their learning.
For instance
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, adolescents learning
schools'
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schools
show examples
 lessons and unnecessary
subjects
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such
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 as drawing at the same time could be under the pressure of work overload.
Furthermore
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, another benefit gained from the recognition of academic
study
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 in society.
It
Correct pronoun usage
This
show examples
 is
due to
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 the fact that in today's world, the young generation tends to appreciate people who have advanced degrees, especially academic certifications.
Thus
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, removing unessential
subjects
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 paves the way for ease of seeking career opportunities. One relevant example is that postgraduate teenagers could have tons of job opportunities, thanks to degrees they have already had from universities, and schools, regardless of how good they are in non-academic
subjects
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such
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 as cookery. In conclusion, even though some people have their understandable arguments, I wholly gravitate toward those who believe that removing non-academic learning brings students plenty of merits
such
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 as getting more satisfying results of learning and easily looking for lucrative career opportunities.

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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay, work on providing smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily and create a more cohesive structure.
Coherence and Cohesion
Be careful with the repetition and redundancy of some phrases, such as 'academic study' and 'unessential subjects.' Vary your vocabulary to avoid repetition and make your writing more engaging.
Task Achievement
In terms of task response, make sure to explicitly state whether you fully agree, partially agree, or partially disagree with the statement in the introduction. This will make your position clear from the beginning.
Task Achievement
The examples provided in the essay should be more specific and detailed to effectively support the main points. This will increase the relevance and persuasiveness of your arguments.
Introduction/Conclusion Present
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your argument. This is a strong aspect of your writing.
Logical Structure
The main points of your essay are logical and align well with your overall argument. This shows a good level of coherence and cohesion in your writing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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