There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work

Physical

education

and

cookery

should be removed from the syllabus so that

children

can concentrate on wholly academic subjects. I disagree with

this

opinion. Physical

education

is important teaching because there are many things taught. Nowadays there is a big problem with obesity and

children

are not very

health

Replace the word

healthy

show examples

. spending time watching TV and playing computer games. Physical

education

teaches

children

fit and

healthey

Correct your spelling

healthy

Also

with physical

education

children

play games like football.

Football

Add a verb

Football is

Football was

show examples

good for

children

because

children

play in teams and learn how to play in teams.

However

that is

some

teach

Verb problem

teachers are

show examples

not so good in Physical

education

. Maybe

children

can choose sports. I think physical

Education

Add a missing verb

is more

show examples

important than

cookery

Cookery

not

Add a missing verb

is not

show examples

very important

children

Change preposition

for children

show examples

to learn in school. Some mothers can teach

cookery

at home to

children

also

some

children

can learn

cookery

at home. Now on TV are many

cookery

programs

children

can watch and learn

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

. In my school

was

Correct pronoun usage

there was

show examples

cookery

and that was good for

study

Wrong verb form

studying

show examples

. But there are good sides to

cookery

. People nowadays have fast food and

unhealth

Correct your spelling

unhealthy

show examples

food.

This

gives

Verb problem

makes

show examples

children

and people fat. Teaching

cook

Wrong verb form

cooking

show examples

can help

children

. They will know

health

Replace the word

healthy

show examples

food and can teach vegetables and fruits.

This

might be

usefull

Correct your spelling

useful

for

childrens

Correct your spelling

children

show examples

. In conclusion, I think

non academic

Add a hyphen

non-academic

show examples

subjects are different. physical

education

is good for

children for

Change preposition

children's

show examples

helthy

Correct your spelling

health

. Schools need to teach physical

education

and games like football to

child

Fix the agreement mistake

children

show examples

To teach

Fix the infinitive

Teach

show examples

cookery

isnot

Correct your spelling

is not

isn't

important for all

child

Fix the agreement mistake

children

show examples

. Some schools teach

cookery

but some schools don’t teach

cookery

Submitted by zky1705202 on Tue May 07 2024

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structure

Try to present your argument in a more structured way by including a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This will help organize your ideas better.

language

Use a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to express your ideas more clearly and effectively. Avoid repetitive language.

content

Provide specific examples and reasons to support your points. This will make your argument stronger and more persuasive.

grammar

Work on grammatical accuracy and spelling to improve the overall clarity of your message. Pay attention to verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and the use of articles.

stance

Your essay shows a clear stance on the topic, which is good for task achievement.

balance

You’ve attempted to discuss both sides of the argument, which is important for a balanced perspective.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

firstly
secondly
thirdly
in additional
moreover
also
for example
for instance
therefore
however
although
even though
despite

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4Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
23Grammar mistakes
 

3 paragraphs

254 words

4.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

pressure
succeed
academically
non-academic
physical education
cookery
school syllabus
concentrate
academic work
well-rounded
enhancement
practical skills
balanced education system

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