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Band 3.5

Money is important in most people's lives. Although some people think it is more important than others. What do you feel are the right uses of money? What other factors are important for a good life? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience.

#money #people #lives #right #factors #life
People think differently when it comes to
money
, for some, it is imperative
while
 others think it
as
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 less important. Wealth can be used for basic needs
as well as
 for
leisures
Fix the agreement mistake
leisure
show examples
,
however
, peace of mind is paramount for
good
Add an article
a good
the good
show examples
life
. Earning income has been
goal
Add an article
a goal
the goal
show examples
 for
populace
Add an article
the populace
show examples
 as
this
accomplish
Correct subject-verb agreement
accomplishes
show examples
 their dreams and
result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
show examples
 in
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 and peaceful
life
. Food,
cloth
Correct your spelling
clothing
show examples
 and shelter can be acquired by earning basic income
however
,
crave
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cravings
show examples
 for more and more
money
 for
Correct article usage
a luxorious
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luxorious
Correct your spelling
luxurious
life
 which includes expensive clothes and
outlandish
Correct article usage
an outlandish
show examples
 lifestyle could lead to
disastrous
Add an article
a disastrous
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 and disturbed
life
.
Therefore
, it is better if
money
 is used for basic needs rather than for earning it for needless expenditure.  Citing
above
Correct article usage
the above
show examples
 paragraph, it can be stated that
money
 is not the only imperative factor which can make
life
worthy
Replace the word
worthwhile
show examples
. Spending joyful and quality
time
 with family which
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
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 memories is way
worthy
Correct quantifier usage
more worthy
show examples
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 spending
time
 to earn extra
money
.In my experience, a salient example of my uncle is perfect to present. He spent most of his
time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
earning
money
 and made tons of
money
 but failed to provide ample
time
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 his children leading to
broken
Add an article
a broken
the broken
show examples
 family In conclusion, it can be said that
money
 is no doubt
important
Correct article usage
an important
show examples
 factor for
life
 but can't be spotted above family and peace of mind.
Submitted by dhindsa.randeep on

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Language Use
Try to diversify your vocabulary to avoid repetition and make your argument more compelling.
Task Achievement
Ensure your essay remains focused on the question throughout, specifically linking each point back to the main question about the right uses of money and other factors important for a good life.
Grammar & Accuracy
Use a wider range of sentence structures and punctuation to enhance readability and sophistication of your writing.
Structure
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion which effectively set and summarized your arguments.
Content & Examples
You've used relevant examples to support your points, particularly the personal anecdote about your uncle.
Coherence & Cohesion
Good use of paragraphs to organize your ideas, enhancing the coherence and cohesion of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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