IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some parents believe cellphones are harmful to children, while others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#parents #cellphones #children
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It is said that using
mobilephones
Correct your spelling
mobile phones
 often is not good.
While
Linking Words
 some proponents believe that using communication devices by young ones
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 unhealthy, I believe that
this
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 has some benefits. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both views and give my opinion. Perhaps some argue that families think that it is dangerous to give mobiles to their wards because it will distract them. Many parents are concerned about their
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
well-beings
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
 as
children
Use synonyms
 will lose focus on studies and skills they should develop at
this
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 age. There are
infinte
Correct your spelling
Internet
 software applications
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
available on the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
,
when
Correct word choice
and when
show examples
 they are playing they become interested
on
Change the preposition
in
show examples
 it and do not concentrate on education.
As a result
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, they become poor
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their studies.
For instance
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, students who are using
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
show examples
 at
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
 are more likely to check the notifications often
instead
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 of listening to teachers. The more
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 use
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
smartphones the more they get distracted
on
Change preposition
from
show examples
 studies.
Conversely
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, other people argue that it is absolutely fine for
children
Use synonyms
 to use electronic devices because it is useful for their daily needs.
Children
Use synonyms
 cannot always depend on
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
 as they grow up and they need to obtain certain skills and general knowledge to tackle
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
soceity
Correct your spelling
society
 in the coming days.
Hence
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, it can give them
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 confidence and strength to handle the situation on their own.
For example
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, young students who go to
tutuion
Correct your spelling
tuition
centers
Change the spelling
centres
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 can book
Correct article usage
a cab
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cab
Fix the agreement mistake
cabs
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 or
taxi
Fix the agreement mistake
taxis
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 on their own if they have their own mobile phones, when their parents
unable
Add a missing verb
are unable
show examples
 to pick up them. If they start using mobiles at
young
Add an article
a young
show examples
 age, they do not need to rely on others when they grow up. In conclusion,
although
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 some think that the use of phones will cause kids to lower
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 focus on education, I believe that
this
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 can help them
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
day-to-day
Correct pronoun usage
their day-to-day
show examples
 lives.
Submitted by prasadjul1986 on

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supported main points
Ensure that all of your main points are clearly supported by specific examples or evidence. While you have provided examples, make them more detailed to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to diversify your vocabulary to avoid repetition of phrases such as 'young ones,' 'children,' and 'mobiles/cellphones.' Use synonyms for a richer expression.
task achievement
While discussing both views, make sure to equally elaborate on each side to maintain a balanced discussion. Your essay tends to favor your viewpoint slightly more.
coherence cohesion
Use transitional phrases to more clearly differentiate your paragraphs and ideas. This will enhance the logical flow of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion that reflect your opinion well.
logical structure
Your essay has a good structure with a clear distinction between paragraphs and ideas.
complete response
You have done well to cover both views mentioned in the prompt, leading to a comprehensive response.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your main ideas are coherent and you have attempted to provide examples to support your points, which is commendable.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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