Some parents believe cellphones are harmful to children, while others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
It is said that using
mobilephones
often is not good. Correct your spelling
mobile phones
While
some proponents believe that using
communication devices by young ones is
unhealthy, I believe that Change the verb form
are
this
has some benefits. In this
essay, I will discuss both views and give my opinion.
Perhaps some argue that families think that it is dangerous to give mobiles to their wards because it will distract them. Many parents are concerned about their children
Change noun form
children's
well-beings
as Correct your spelling
well-being
children
will lose focus on studies and skills they should develop at this
age. There are infinte
software applications Correct your spelling
Internet
are
available on the Unnecessary verb
apply
internet
, Capitalize word
Internet
when
they are playing they become interested Correct word choice
and when
on
it and do not concentrate on education. Change the preposition
in
As a result
, they become poor on
their studies. Change preposition
in
For instance
, students who are using cellphones
at Correct your spelling
cell phones
schools
are more likely to check the notifications often Fix the agreement mistake
school
instead
of listening to teachers. The more the
use Correct your spelling
they
of
smartphones the more they get distracted Change preposition
apply
on
studies.
Change preposition
from
Conversely
, other people argue that it is absolutely fine for children
to use electronic devices because it is useful for their daily needs. Children
cannot always depend on parents
as they grow up and they need to obtain certain skills and general knowledge to tackle Correct pronoun usage
their parents
in
Change preposition
apply
soceity
in the coming days. Correct your spelling
society
Hence
, it can give them a
confidence and strength to handle the situation on their own. Correct article usage
the
For example
, young students who go to tutuion
Correct your spelling
tuition
centers
can book Change the spelling
centres
Correct article usage
a cab
cab
or Fix the agreement mistake
cabs
taxi
on their own if they have their own mobile phones, when their parents Fix the agreement mistake
taxis
unable
to pick up them. If they start using mobiles at Add a missing verb
are unable
young
age, they do not need to rely on others when they grow up.
In conclusion, Add an article
a young
although
some think that the use of phones will cause kids to lower the
focus on education, I believe that Change the word
their
this
can help them on
Change preposition
in
day-to-day
lives.Correct pronoun usage
their day-to-day
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supported main points
Ensure that all of your main points are clearly supported by specific examples or evidence. While you have provided examples, make them more detailed to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to diversify your vocabulary to avoid repetition of phrases such as 'young ones,' 'children,' and 'mobiles/cellphones.' Use synonyms for a richer expression.
task achievement
While discussing both views, make sure to equally elaborate on each side to maintain a balanced discussion. Your essay tends to favor your viewpoint slightly more.
coherence cohesion
Use transitional phrases to more clearly differentiate your paragraphs and ideas. This will enhance the logical flow of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion that reflect your opinion well.
logical structure
Your essay has a good structure with a clear distinction between paragraphs and ideas.
complete response
You have done well to cover both views mentioned in the prompt, leading to a comprehensive response.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your main ideas are coherent and you have attempted to provide examples to support your points, which is commendable.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example