Topic: In some countries, an increasing number of children are overweight or obese as a result of eating too much fast food. Banning fast food from school canteens is the best way to fight this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It has always been a controversial issue whether lots of pupils are fat as they are keen on eating unhealthy
food
in some countries,
thus
fast
food
court
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courts
show examples
should be banned at
schools
to tackle
this
problem. In my opinion,
however
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however,
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we
are not allow
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are not allowed
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to prevent students’ rights, these kinds of methods have to
done
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be done
show examples
at
schools
. To embark
on
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apply
show examples
, Individuals have the same right that nobody cannot deny
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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even for selecting
meal
Correct article usage
a meal
show examples
.
In other words
, the more you prevent children
to do not
Verb problem
from
show examples
follow
Wrong verb form
following
show examples
one special way, the more bad effects will happen;
therefore
, they are so adventurous and want to try new things.
For example
, if you do not let them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
eat fast
food
at
schools
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school
show examples
, they will probably eat it when they leave the classes. The number of obese students
are being kept
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
increasingly
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increasing
show examples
by eating inconvenient meals so managers and teachers have to avoid them to eat fast foods whenever they are at
schools
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school
show examples
.
In other words
,
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
of fast
food
is
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are
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tangible
as a result
people will be affected
various
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by various
show examples
sicknesses after using them.
For instance
,
according to
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
show examples
news more than 76
percent
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per cent
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of teenagers
suffering
Wrong verb form
suffer
show examples
from obesity and heart illness around the world because they do not have appropriate
meal’s
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meal
show examples
program
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programs
show examples
.
To conclude
,
new
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the new
a new
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generation
are
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is
show examples
becoming more fat by eating fast
food
;
hence
, it is a good idea to ban the school canteen in these countries. I personally believe that the
important
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importance
show examples
of using these
food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
show examples
can lead to some harmful effects.
Submitted by abhari1997 on

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Task Achievement
Make sure your essay presents a well-balanced debate for both sides before drawing your conclusion. This helps in fully addressing the prompt.
Language
Use a wider range of vocabulary to make your argument more persuasive and to better demonstrate your language skills. Avoid repeating words where possible.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve coherence by better organizing your paragraphs. Start with a clear topic sentence, follow with supporting details, and conclude each paragraph with a statement that ties back to your main argument.
Task Achievement
Try to incorporate more specific examples and data to back up your points. This increases the persuasiveness of your argument.
Positive Aspect
Your conclusion succinctly restates your viewpoint, providing a clear stance on the issue.
Positive Aspect
You engaged with the topic throughout the essay and attempted to address the prompt directly.

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