IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Should student pay the full cost for their own study, because university education benefits individuals rather than society? To extant do you agree or disagree.?

#student #cost #study #university #education #individuals #society
Nowadays, because
university
 education advantages individuals rather than society, learners should pay the full cost for their own studies.
This
 author will show my reason why I agree with
this
 opinion. It is vital to understand that spending more money on studying at
university
 will help students have better school facilities for their study
such
 as television, chemical machines and physical machines.
Moreover
, when learners study in a good studying atmosphere, they can do their best and
also
 have high careers in the future.
Secondly
, your career will be easier for you to get a better job.
In other words
, by studying at a good
university
 and paying the full cost, students will have good facilities as I mentioned before. So it will be easier for them to get good jobs with high career.
For instance
, when you studying at an RMIT
University
, your profile will be easier to accept for a job in a big company. In conclusion, the benefits of paying the full cost of studying are undeniable, it will help the student have better facilities and
also
 their future jobs will be better.
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Task Achievement
Include a broader range of arguments and counterarguments to fully address the prompt. Your essay largely supports one viewpoint without considering opposing perspectives.
Task Achievement
Work on diversifying your examples and evidence. The essay could be strengthened by incorporating a wider variety of examples to support your points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider rephrasing some sentences and paragraphs for better clarity and grammatical accuracy. Minor inaccuracies can distract from the overall message.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure a clear progression of ideas throughout your essay. Transitional phrases can help connect paragraphs and points more smoothly.
Task Achievement
Your introduction sets a clear direction for the essay, effectively outlining the topic and your stance.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids in understanding.
Task Achievement
You effectively use examples to support your points, which adds strength to your arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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