IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people regard video games as useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

#people #video #games #tool #videos #effect
In
this
 technological era, myriad
people
 deem that if
video
games
played
Add a missing verb
are played
show examples
 by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
than
Correct your spelling
then
show examples
it succour
Verb problem
they will gain
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 education knowledge
while
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 believe that it has
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 impact on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
. I believe playing
video
games
 in tremendous
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 has
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
more pros. I will elaborate on my notion in forthcoming paragraphs. By installing distinct
game
 applications humans get positive
outcome
Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
show examples
.
Firstly
, if the
video
game
 is related to mathematical numbers,
than
Replace the word
then
show examples
 it
enhance
Change the verb form
enhances
show examples
 the calculation power of the student and
people
such
 as
games
 like
puzzle
Capitalize word
Puzzle
show examples
 and
sudoko
Change the capitalization
Sudoko
show examples
.
Secondly
,
game
 trains
people
 to think
logical
Change the word
logically
show examples
 as well about the future
plan
Fix the agreement mistake
plans
show examples
 of their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
On the other hand
, it has more
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
 by spending
to
Correct your spelling
too
show examples
 much time on the computer screen. It not only
change
Change the verb form
changes
show examples
 the posture of the person but
also
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
detremental
Correct your spelling
detrimental
 effect on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal health by sitting in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one position for
prolonged
Add an article
a prolonged
show examples
 period.
As a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 players might have less physical fitness if children avoid
to play
Change the verb form
playing
show examples
 outdoor activities. An outstanding example is that most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 suffer from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity and other
dieases
Correct your spelling
diseases
 like
diabities
Correct your spelling
diabetes
, heart problems and stress.
Morover
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, it declines their social interaction skill which may cause
disadvatage
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
 in future, if they
wanted
Wrong verb form
want
show examples
 to start
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 business.
In addition
,
student
Add an article
a student
the student
show examples
 might get
distracte
Correct your spelling
distracted
 from their
primarary
Correct your spelling
primary
 goal if
thy
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 attracted by the
video
game
.
For instance
, educater
playes
Correct your spelling
play
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
games
instant
Correct your spelling
instead
show examples
 of doing their homework
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
which turns out
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 unstatisfactry result
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their academic year. In recapitulation, In my
opinion
Add the comma(s)
opinion,
show examples
 it
cause
Replace the word
causes
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
perilious
Correct your spelling
perilous
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
 it might put their future and their health in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
problem by playing a
video
game
 constantly.
Submitted by milonishekhaliya on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction & Conclusion
Ensure your introduction clearly outlines your opinion and the structure of the essay to follow, helping readers understand your stance from the beginning.
Sentence Variety & Transitions
For a higher score, work on the variety and complexity of your sentences to enhance clarity and coherence throughout your essay. Adding transitions can better indicate the relationship between ideas.
Specific Examples
Integrating more detailed and specific examples can strengthen your arguments, making your essay more persuasive and engaging. Try to include real-world situations or statistics that clearly support your points.
Spelling & Grammar
Watch out for spelling and grammar errors, as these can distract from your message. Regular practice and review can improve accuracy.
Paragraph Development
Focus on developing your paragraphs with clear topic sentences that outline the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea related to the prompt.
Clear Opinion
You provided a clear opinion on the topic, guiding the reader through your viewpoint effectively.
Balanced Discussion
Your essay addressed both sides of the argument, which is critical for a balanced discussion. This approach enhances the depth of your analysis.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: