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Band 3.5

Whether or not someone achieve their aim is mostly based to luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#someone #aim #luck
It is believed that luck is the
factor
 for
people
 to get aim. The writer of
this
 essay strongly disagrees with
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 notion that
people
 set goals
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
hard-working
Correct word choice
hard work
show examples
as well as
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
perseverance. One of the core reasons that
people
get
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
 their aim
by
Add a missing verb
is by
show examples
 working hard. To put it simply,
hard-working
Replace the word
hard work
show examples
 is the role of important
factor
 which can help
people
get
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
 goals, especially in the age of technology. Take an example,
people
 who work hard can improve their knowledge in the field
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can help them more easy to get
success
Replace the word
succeed
show examples
.
As a consequence
, working hard is the key for
people
 to get success in their life. Another key point
explain
Change the verb form
explains
show examples
 why
people
 get successful without relying on fortune
due to
 their perseverance. To put it another way,
people
 pursue their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 need to pursue which are necessary for their development.
As
Change preposition
For
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
instance, they not only can
get
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
 their aim but
also
 have opportunities to develop in their future. In conclusion,
although
 luck is the
factor
 to
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
success,
hard-working
Correct word choice
hard work
show examples
 will be a better
factor
 for
people
 to set goals
as well as
 perseverance.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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Content Development
To strengthen your argument, consider including more specific examples and evidence to illustrate your points. This could involve citing studies, statistics, or personal anecdotes that demonstrate the impact of hard work and perseverance on achieving goals.
Language Use
Ensure variety in sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance the readability and sophistication of your writing. While the essay presents ideas clearly, more complex sentence constructions and precise vocabulary can convey your arguments more effectively.
Organization
Review your essay to ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that these ideas are logically connected. Using transitional phrases can also help in improving the flow between sections and reinforcing the coherence of the essay.
Position Clarity
You effectively communicated a clear position throughout the essay, consistently arguing against the notion that luck is the primary factor in achieving goals.
Structure
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a coherent framework for your essay, contributing to its overall structure and clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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